Flashbacks waking me up, I get drunk but it's not enough cuz the morning comes and you’re not my baby….
For those Taylor Swift fans out there (like myself) you may have already guessed what today's post will be about. Here I give you part 3 (maybe the finale in the trilogy, or maybe there will be more who knows lol ) of our series about love, relationships, and growing. Last week you all got a look into my life and the three guys that have impacted it the most - at least from the romance side of the spectrum. You got to read letters that I wrote to each of them in regards to thanking them for the good times and what they had each taught me at the end of it all. This week although there is a slight similarity due to the fact that this is a letter of sorts as well, it is one of saying Goodbye. If you have seen the movie ‘Someone Great’ you may know where this is headed, as I use that along with some Taylor songs for inspiration and delve into just how accurate and relatable their words are. It’s been almost a year, and while at the time each of these occurred everything was so raw, I now look back at it all and I just smile and laugh.
This quarantine, although hated by the vast majority, I have loved it. Yes of course I hate being stuck inside constantly just like the next person, but it has allowed me to experience more self-growth and building than I have in the last twenty-three - almost twenty-four - years of my life combined. As painful as saying goodbye can be, especially when those good times that you shared with that person are still so cherished, it is something that is needed. In a way, it is a feeling of self-closure. You are giving yourself the go-ahead to continue on and to focus on yourself rather than staying in the past and trying to put the broken pieces back together for the wrong reason. The process of letting go isn't an easy one. It takes a lot of strength to do so, especially when it was something or someone who brought you so much joy at one point in your life. But if I can promise you one thing, it is the fact that after doing so you will feel so much lighter and free. Free of all the stress and negativity that it put on you, and instead you will be ready to take on whatever life throws your way next with your head held high.
It’s easy to look back on a past love. To catch a glimpse through that window, even though you have tried so hard to board it up. You see a light still flickering through the cracks because as much as you try, you just can't pretend it's ok when it's not. You still care for this person, so much so, that letting them go would be vastly painful. So painful that it would feel as if you were being cut a thousand times, over and over. You do everything you can to occupy yourself and your mind so that you don't think about them. You just want time to keep passing. Long drives become your self-therapy sessions. You take the longer routes to get to your destination, and with each stop, you ask the traffic lights if it will be alright. And just like how those lights quickly change, you reflect on just how quickly people can do the same. No matter how hard you try to escape them, they still appear everywhere. What was once a great story is now over and you are attempting to figure out your next chapter; but your pencil is stuck in the past and you find yourself somehow still writing pages, holding onto the hope that there could just maybe be a different ending this time around. You try to move on, but the first few times around those flashbacks keep picking you up and pulling you back in. Entrapped in their arms with no way to breathe or get out. There wasn't a part of you or your life that they didn't touch. Your heart. Your hips. Your body...Your love. But in the blink of an eye, they turned away and gave up on you and all that you gave. Places you went together are now haunted, but you find yourself trying to search for a sign. Anything to try and piece those broken pieces and moments back together. Your songs. Your films. The times where you stood together united hand and hand. But instead, you are now battling against each other in what has become a lawless land. Hands up and guns raised. The touch of their hand used to quiet your fears, but it is now what is cutting you. Your time. Your spirit. Your trust. They took up every possible inch, and are now tearing it up. You gave them so much, yet somehow it still wasn't enough.
Still stuck on the seemingly never-ending road of flashbacks. You just hope for one more. One more kiss? Hoping you’ll find the closure you're so desperately seeking on their lips. Maybe while you're at it, one more meal together too? You were always so full and happy, and want to part that way too. And maybe in between meals you could lie together one more time. To have that one last moment where it feels as if time is suspended. Your head on their chest, arms wrapped around each other. Falling into a state of relaxation as you hear the beat of their heart and the ease in their breaths. Like all your hope before, you hope that maybe just maybe if you keep adding up all of these one mores they'll equal a lifetime. A lifetime in which you never really have to get to the part where you have to let them go. But unfortunately, despite how hard you may try, it's not a possibility that is real. There can be no more, one more. At the time you met everything was new and exciting. The world was full of endless possibilities for you two. It still is, just for each of you individually, not for the “us” or the “we” as it once was. Somewhere along the road, between the here and there you didn't just grow apart, you grew up as well. When something breaks, and the pieces are big enough you can piece it back together and fix it. But just because you can, doesn't mean you should. You know why? Because sometimes things do more than just break. They shatter. However, when you let light in even shattered glass can shimmer. And in those moments, when those broken pieces catch the sun you will remember just how beautiful it all was. How beautiful it always will be. Because while it lasted, that “us” that you were was nothing short of magic.
Life happens, and unfortunately, some of the most painful experiences we go through are emotional, not physical. But even in the most impossible moments there still is, and always will be a glimmer of hope. Society has programmed us to believe that happy endings have to consist of results involving a relationship with another individual. Whether it be that of one of reconciliation or the beginning of a new romance. But that could be the furthest thing from the truth. In fact, choosing yourself is the most beautiful happy ending. It’s easy to want one more after a relationship ends. One more and you'll feel better, right? In my opinion that couldn't be the furthest thing from the truth, at least from what I’ve learned. Certain happy moments live in the past for a reason. If you keep trying to mess with those sharp and shattered pieces they could cut you worse than the initial blow first did. Not all pieces are always meant to be pieced back together. They may have worked together at one time, but now they could not be more foreign to one another. And if you let those pieces go, you will start to see the sparkling and shimmering reflection of the sun. And in that glittering light, you can feel happy, joyful, and just overall alive again. Breakups and endings can be all kinds of messy and tragic, but they can also turn into something beautiful down the way. Sometimes things just run their course. Things change, and people change, its an occurrence that happens every day for both the good and the bad, and frankly whether we like it or not. Fate is a funny thing. We like to always think we know what is best for ourselves, which sometimes we do, but also sometimes we may want the wrong thing. The thing that fate knows is not what is aligned for us. Life is full of decisions. We make the right ones and we make the wrong ones. We may feel like we are going in the opposite direction, but the important thing to remember is to not chase others but to chase ourselves. Chase your own happiness. Your own greatness. These paths and forks in the road that we will continue to come across give us choices. Whatever choice you make will ultimately lead you to the same destination, it's just the journey that is different. Down the line, you will meet the king or queen of your heart, or you may already have. If you are like me and are at the point in your life where you are single (and frankly happy being so) be the king or queen of your own heart. Guide it, protect it, and strengthen it. Say goodbye to the past, and focus on the future. There comes a time where we must learn to live with just the memories. And that's ok. Stop trying to piece them back together, as you will only cut yourself more in trying to do so. Instead, let the light shine through those broken pieces. Create that glimmering rainbow kaleidoscope of color that is dying to breakthrough. And the day you do; whether it be today, tomorrow, or a year from now - others will see and be inspired by those colors that are shooting across the sky.
I have personally lived my life without someone for quite a while now, and while at first, I was blue, constantly look back to see if they were following or not; now I honestly have forgotten that they even existed. And not in a mean, petty way either. I simply just mean I have moved on. I am no longer turning my neck to see if the shadow of them is still there. Instead, I am looking forward and focusing on myself and my future. I’m able to say that I don't love them like I used to with one hundred percent truth and conviction. Now, I still care for them, as its who I am. But in those moments of slip-ups - which let's be honest will always occur, we are all human after all and are not perfect - where I do look back, I no longer feel grey from missing them, I do so with a smile. No more resentment. No more hurt. No more anger. No more tears. No more burning red flashbacks and echos. No more questioning the traffic lights on the way home just hoping for an answer to be screamed back at me. Sometimes things just run their course, and our trolley came to the end of its line. Which is perfectly and utterly ok. The day they called me up again to break me like a promise is long gone. The day I was once a crumpled up piece of paper is left behind because now I have risen and am golden, glistening in the day and glowing in the night.
Its time to let go.
Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting it go. It's learning to start over.
And that's just what I did.
I stepped into the daylight and let it go. I learned how to begin again.
I survived a thousand cuts and have never been better. So I'll keep saying it again, I'll shout it into the rooftops.
Goodbye. You were at one time in my life someone great, but now I am that someone. And this time it's for me <3
T
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