My two front teeth?? Lol
While the holidays are full of joy, cheer, and frankly lots of singing..it can also be full of loneliness. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I have always wondered what it would be like to spend this time with someone else. Cute Lil winter dates full of Christmas tree lots, caroling, and ice skating. But here I am wine glass full, puppy asleep at my side, and hallmark movies on the tv. The movies probably aren’t really helping...but I just can’t seem to tear my eyes away from them; like millions of others. They draw you in, with the idea of having that special somebody during the holidays. Showcasing time and time again, the type of relationship that many of us hope to one day have - especially during a season in which we constantly see people together. Unrealistic expectations are fed to us, and here we are continuously diving in for more, year after year. And typically with a tissue box in hand (or is that just me? lol).
Now don’t get me wrong, in terms of the holiday - and frankly, films revolving around romance - hallmark movies typically tend to take the cake...or I guess cocoa in this case. However, recently Netflix has been giving them a run for their money - especially this year. With movies such as Holidate, Operation Christmas Drop, and sequels to previous fan favorites; the audience is left not only wanting more in terms of the story that just unfolded in front of their eyes but also wanting more for their own stories too. For those who enjoy reading, such as myself, and have either read or heard of the book ‘dash & lily’s book of dares’, you may know that it has been adapted into a Netflix original show, one that premiered this week. I, like many others likely, quickly was engulfed into the world that was being portrayed right before my eyes. It’s about a girl named Lily who leaves a red notebook full of challenges on a shelf at her favorite bookstore waiting for the right guy to come along and accept the dares inside...from here I feel like yall can tell where the story goes - dash finds the notebook and both of their lives and stories begin to intertwine. For me, this specific show was EVERYTHING on the surface. Placed in new york city, a place in which I fell in love with when I visited for the first time last year - during my favorite time of year, Christmas. And of course, the cherry on top - it was all about romance, finding yourself, and the cheesy cliche love story of boy meets girl. And you guys know me, I am ALL about the cliches here. I freaking love them. A date at an arcade where the loser kisses the winner? Theme park and having no cares for a day? Rose petals on the floor? Sign me up 100%. This show fed that to me, times a thousand, and I fell into it HARD. As I’m sure some of yall did too...and if you haven’t yet, I bet ya will lol. But hey, welcome to the club. We are always happy to have new members. Hopeless romantics 2020? Lol, let’s go.
Being a romantic is both a blessing and a curse though. We create these little checklists of certain qualities and such that we want in our dream person. Which, don’t get me wrong, is very important. Obviously, it is key to have someone that respects you. But it can also set you up for disaster. With a list can come expectations, and what happens when those expectations aren’t met?? Heartbreak, that’s what. I’ve been there and done that a thousand times. Frankly, I don’t ever want to have to go through it again - but I know that that is inevitable. As shitty as it is, it also helps us to grow, and if I am going, to be honest, I am growing right now. I wouldn’t necessarily call what I am currency going through a heartbreak - but a revelation. I’m fully realizing the difference between love and lust. As they say, actions speak louder than words. And while I am a fan of words of affirmation, I also need it shown to me. It’s easy to say the three little words, but it takes a lot more to show that you mean them. People left and right throw them around as if they have no power, when in fact they are some of the most powerful things that this world has to offer. I don’t use those words lightly, but I do know some that do - and unfortunately, I have been victim to them in the past. Yet here I am, still holding on to some of those people. It’s weird when you have a relationship with someone where it’s platonic, but you have had those moments of romance. Especially when it is still currently mixed together. You arent a thing, and you don’t necessarily want to be… yet you want more at the same time? Not in the sense you are all thinking though. I can’t be the only person that has been in this position...right? Lol. Where you care for someone, and you constantly talk and have known each other for a year plus...where they still can’t tell the most simplest fact about you, yet they know what some of your darkest secrets and fantasies are. I’m tired of those “it’s complicated” stories. The ones where we start, end, and begin all over again. It’s like they know exactly what to do or say to make me weak. Just when I think they are finally out of my system, the no more I miss ya’s turn into I wanna kiss ya. Trouble loves to find us, and they walk back into my life like they didn’t just hurt me the day before. And I guess goodbye is just too tough, cause the last time was supposed to be the last time...but here we are falling all over again. (10 points for hufflepuff if you know what song I am quoting here).
Instead of winter snow flurries cascading from the sky, I am instead tripping over my own two feet and plunging into the wrong relationships yet again. Apparently, pointless mistletoe kisses are my thing. I’m told that I constantly gravitate towards the “douchebag” type, and I honestly wish that I could tell you how or why I do it, but I can’t. Because the truth is, I don’t even know myself. Maybe it’s because I always choose to see the positive in people, and know that within they are a good person. Yeah...they may not be good for me...but that’s for me to learn….right? Apparently, even though I’m done with school, I just really like giving myself lessons lol. But hey, ya live and ya learn, right??
Most people during this time of year wish for their “checkmark every bullet point on my list” significant other, or for the person that they have been pining after for for years to reciprocate their feelings, but me….well my wish is a bit different. Instead of wishing for (insert name here) I hope for true realization. I know that I deserve better, and I constantly preach knowing your worth - yet here I am getting trapped in yet another seemingly endless cycle of being used for sexual pleasure. I’m being a hypocrite I know...and for that I apologize. You guys know that I am all about being vulnerable...and here I am being just that, again. No one is perfect. We are all human. We make mistakes, and one of mine is that I get intoxicated by the high that attention from that one specific person can provide. It’s as if I simply throw out all intuition and instead get trapped in the potential of that “what if” scenario. What if what we talk about actually happens (even though I know that it won’t), what if we actually become a thing like they say they want (even though I know its all talk), what if they actually want to get to know me on a deeper level rather than being their personal barbie doll.
Here is what I have to say to that. What if I turned around that what if for my benefit instead? I am so used to be used and allowing that phrase to draw and keep me in. Having them being the ones that hold the reigns. Well, buckle up buttercup, because it’s now my turn to take control of this sleigh. I cant keep sleeping in your bed if you keep messing with my head, so instead of slipping under your sheets and waiting for something to provide me that temporary bliss I am going out to search and find my own. I’m over the hot and the cold, the yes and the no. I can’t keep waiting for your heart. I’m tired of fiending for it and am over the chase. The truth is it drew me in and intrigued me in the beginning. The whole cliche of being the girl to change the player’s heart, but I can’t keep telling myself these lies at night...the only person that can change your heart is you - and I while I may have looked like a lovesick fool for a long ass time - no more.
So long are the days of singing “All I want for Christmas is you” and hello to the days of being 100% that bitch. And here is to being there for someone during their darkest hours, instead of hitting them up during the dark hours.
I am, and always will be a lover of Christmas. And while I am a sucker for a good hallmark style film, I will be throwing the expectations that they can provide out the chimney. I don’t need anyone else to be happy. I am perfectly ok on my own. And while that may be hard to accept every so often, right now it is truly what I need and I am more than fine with that :)
Now let’s go watch some cult classic holiday movies and cram eleven cookies into the VCR.
Self-care am I right? Lol
Till Next week my friends.
Stay happy. Stay Healthy. Stay Safe.
T <3
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