Hello Friends,
As nice as it was to take a step back last week and write about something fun and light-hearted, we are about to get back into something a little more serious, but hopefully inspiring.
About a month ago I decided to open up about an event that occurred, one that extremely affected the way that I went about living my everyday life. My sexual assault. It was something that never in a million years did I think would happen to me (honestly no one does). Yet here I was, sitting in my car crying after the fact. Even at this point, it took my sister telling me to make it 100% real. In the back of my mind, I knew….but I just couldn't come to terms with it. The how? The why? Was it me? Did I do something wrong? The healing process behind it all wasn't an easy one. I would go multiple days in a row crying, there probably wasn't a place that I didn't break down in all honesty. In bed? At work in the bathroom on my break? My car after a long day? Yep. Yep. and Yep. It would hit the hardest on the “anniversaries”. I remember not knowing why my anxiety was so heightened on certain days, and then several hours later it would hit me, and the nights ended in phone conversations with one of my closest friends, just venting and getting everything out that I needed to.
Now, here we are seven months since the date…. November 19th. One that will not be easily forgotten, but one that I will look back on now and reflect how in the past few hundred days I have been able to turn a completely negative and dehumanizing act; into something that has made me a stronger woman-and frankly person in general.
I know that I already shared my story and my process behind my healing. But frankly, even though after that it may seem like everything is all rainbows and butterflies, it really isn't. It's still hard. Although it doesn't affect me as often as it used to, there are still days where certain moments from that night haunt me. Even if it's just for a split second. His laugh, I still hear it. Certain comments he made, echo in the back of my mind. It’s something that I know will never 100% go away. And while I don't, or at least, try to not let it have power over me-there are still times when it does, even if it is just for the flicker of a moment. That's the gloriousness of anxiety for ya. Just when you think you're doing ok it decides to come back and slap ya across the face.
Hey, how ya doing? Can you not?
Yet even after all these tough moments, (this week has been a bitch Imma be honest) I still manage to smile. You may be wondering how. How can you manage to find light in such a dark place?
Well firstly, I strongly believe that there always is a bright side, sometimes you just gotta look a little harder to find it. And second, Because it's ok to not be ok. Which ironically is something that I'm learning to be ok with. I'm not perfect. No one is. We are flawed, and we are all broken in our own unique ways. Our scars contribute to that uniqueness, and I for one think that that's not only f*cking awesome (pardon my language) but also extremely beautiful.
A few months back I had found a ring that I absolutely fell in love with, and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I finally caved and purchased it. (no this is not a sponsored post, I just love this ring and its message - frankly all the jewelry this company makes-because it hits close to home for me). The ring I choose ironically is called “Beautifully Broken” (*cough cough article title name drop lol*)
And it is made by this brand called Bryan Anthonys. And in the box came this little excerpt.
“Let go of the idea of perfection - you are not perfect, you are real. Let yourself be flawed, and allow yourself to make mistakes. Recognize that you're not always going to have it all together. Sometimes your heart is going to break, you are going to get hurt, you are going to feel pain. Don't apologize for being broken - every time you break you become a little more alive. You become more open with yourself. You become exposed to your sensibility. Every crack tells you a little more about yourself - your strength, your courage, your tenacity-what you're made of. Do not hide these pieces from the world, they are a part of who you are. You see, the most beautiful people are beautifully broken. Their hearts are heavy, but they love the deepest. They have seen the dark, but they appreciate everything that shines. They Are compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. Beautiful hearts don't just happen-and you my dear are going to show the world just how beautiful you are.”
I wear this as a reminder, that no matter my flaws- the hardships that I went through and the cracks that came out of them, that I am still real. It's 110% perfectly acceptable to be vulnerable, open, and who you are. Heck, I'll admit, I am an unperfect, messy-top bun wearing, overthinking, indecisive, beach obsessed, wanna be mermaid, Disney nerd, and dog lover; who has a passion for writing, and if she could she would eat tacos for the rest of her life and listen to vinyl. And that's ok! In fact, that is more than ok. It’s AMAZING!
For the longest time, before all this shitty stuff that happened with anxiety in adulthood, I struggled with bullying and loving myself. In middle school and high school, people would taunt my left and right because of certain things that I liked. They chose to take something that made me happy and use it as a weapon against me. And here I am, 15+ years later and I have turned some of those things into an amazing career (ok, one of those things, technically two with my site. Being a professional taco eater and dog aunt doesn't count, unfortunately… or does it.??)
All of these breaks and occurrences in my life that I thought were extremely negative turned into creating something extremely beautiful. Me. They're all now a part of who I am and my story, and that in itself is something extremely captivating and gorgeous in its own way. I used to apologize for all the time for who I was, what I did, or what I liked. But if these last few years have taught me anything, it's to never apologize for being yourself. You are who you are, and I for one think that you are pretty awesome. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what others think of you; it's what you think of yourself. People left and right will try to tear you down. They will try to take your broken pieces and completely shatter and obliterate them. They will wear themselves out in order to do so. Please don't wear yourself out trying to fight them. Stay committed to who you are. Be kind, love, and free in your authenticity. Don't doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. Just keep shining as you do.
As the saying goes: In life, you will encounter two types of people - the ones who build you up. And the ones who will tear you down. In the end, you will thank both. Those who care are here to lift you up, and those who don't only make you stronger.
Hold that head up high, and show everyone the Boss Ass Bitch (or Bro) that you are.
I know that this is all easier said than done, believe me, I've been there (still am sometimes). But I hope you know that no matter what, you are amazing and you are loved. Even if you can't see it yet- just know that there are so many people out there that love you for all 100% of who you are. Even if you aren't quite there yet yourself. Self-Love is a process. I mean look at me, it took me nearly two decades to do so. But since that moment of realization, I have been 10x happier. I'm a huge goof I know that. I embrace my entertaining personality (I had a friend tell me this the other day lol). Will I mess up along the way? Or look like a complete idiot? (honestly, I do that every day, what's new lol). Of course. Everyone will. Again, we're all human. None of us are perfect. In my opinion, though, that imperfection is perfection. It just goes to show that not only are we all unique but that flaws are inevitable. And instead of hiding behind them, we should accept them with open arms. After all, even a broken crayon still colors beautifully.
Your flaws are gorgeous And so are you.
And even if others can’t see it, I hope that you do.
Your truth is the only truth that matters.
Embrace your flaws and your brokenness.
Be the breathtaking colorful mosaic that I know you can be.
Show the world just how truly freaking amazing you are.
Till next time.
Keep on shining.
<3
T
there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark You should know you're beautiful just the way you are And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful - Alessia Cara
PS. On this day remember that you are beautiful. You are Strong. You are worthy. You are important. You are special. You are unique. You are wonderful. You are talented. You are worth it. You are irreplaceable. You are Loved.
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