People don't understand how stressful it is to explain what is going on inside your head…
The other week I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I'm the type of person who keeps everything bottled up - the worst type of coping mechanism I know. And it was only a matter of time before everything began to spill over… as I was originally beginning to write this I was sitting at my desk crying while Taylor Swift softly played in the background on my vinyl (because who else would I be listening to when going through it). There's just been so much happening from every aspect of my life and while I have tried to handle it all on my own…I just…can’t. I’m such an over-thinker and people pleaser that I spend more time trying to make others happy than ensuring my own happiness. Which don't get me wrong - I still am happy, a lot of the time…I have a lot to be thankful for and I know that… but anxiety is ruthless, and no matter how much good is happening in someone's life - it will always choose to focus on the bad and hone in on it like a bird on prey. You can try so hard to think of a million other things, but just that one -or hundreds- of bad thoughts will take center stage. Using your tears as bait and feelings as its audience, feeding off of you drawing in on yourself. I should have known it was coming the other day…it was sort of like a warning, spotting the storm on the horizon. I was talking with one of my coworkers and she had asked me if I was ok. I lied and said I was ok and asked why? Unaware of it, to the observant eyes of another I was dazing in and out. It wasn't something until I realized today. I was there but not there, my mind going a million other directions and being somewhere else. Hoping work would be a nice escape, something to keep me and my mind busy - yet anxiety was still finding a way to seep in and grab a hold of me. It wasn't until I got home today that everything seemed to hit me all at once and boil over. I was already just feeling off and hadn't ate anything all day (besides half a cup of coffee and two Oreos lol), and started to cry because I couldn't find the baked potato soup on chilis website.
Who knew that soup would be the final straw in leading to my breakdown. The thing that would cause me to crash and shatter. Which now looking back at it - kind of makes me chuckle a little bit. From family things, to one of my best friends going through surgery, and everything else going on within my own head - it was a lot and I really didn't know how to process it. It was almost as if all the gears were turning and trying to work but then they kept getting stuck within one another. Countless nights in a row of staring at the ceiling and crying myself to sleep - wondering when it would all begin to turn around. Some things you can't change, it's out of your control - but half of what I was going through seemed to almost be in the realm of possibility of my control - it was just out of reach. I was willingly putting myself into situations in which I would end up hurt. I was warned. Yet I headed the cautions and still followed suit, throwing it all to the wind. Reliving past traumas when I tried so hard not to. I wanted so badly to write new chapters yet I somehow feel as if I am stuck within the same old ones. The pen retracing the words over and over again.
One day it will get better, I know that.
Heck, from the time that I originally started writing this entry it already has … well at least in some aspects. On others…well that's debatable and saved away for the time being. It’s a bit ironic looking back and seeing just how good my mental health was and how much of a drastic change its course has taken since then. But I am looking into ways in which I can better not only my mental health, but myself as well. While writing is a great outlet, and has always been one of my favorites - it is also extremely helpful to talk to someone; and no I'm not talking about friends. While yes, venting is also great and sometimes much needed - I'm speaking more on a professional level. Therapy is something that I have been thinking about for a while now and have told myself countless times that I would actually do - however now is the time that I am finally going to take the leap and actually do it. I know that it can be scary and a bit intimidating to admit that you want or even need the help but it's something that we shouldn't have to be afraid of. Society has placed such a gross stigma around therapy and honestly just talking about our thoughts and feelings in general. We're all human, we all go through shit , it's a part of life. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. It all gets us to where we need to be and helps shape us into our current versions of ourselves. And hopefully with this step I can work towards becoming the best present version of myself and future as well.
Till next time.
This is me trying.
T <3
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