Gotta love me, no, I don’t need anybody else.
Ah, self-love, the thing that everyone tells you to do - that seems super easy, but in fact is rather quite difficult and can be a rather long journey, although it is one that keeps on giving.
For me, it took 23 years.
Now that’s not to say that before then I wasn’t OK with who I was, but it hadn’t been until recently that I could one hundred percent without a doubt say that I was confident in, and love who I am.
This used to be something that I was scared to scream from the rooftops, but now it's all that I want to do.
In fact, I’m gonna go do it right now real quick, be right back friends.
...
When people used to see me, they tended to assume that I was always happy because of the smile that I constantly had on my face. Little did they know though, that I was the exact opposite. I felt as if I was walking around like the joker, a smile painted on but deeply hurting on the inside. The outside world being fooled and only really seeing what they wanted to, blinded by the surface view. Spoiler alert, everything you see, both on social media and in real life isn't always what it seems.
Society, from the very beginning, has set up this “perfection ideal”, and without batting an eye, so many individuals follow it as if it is the golden rule book. It’s a perception that surrounds nearly all aspects of our lives. Everywhere we look society is trying to shove some ideal down our throats, whether it be new or old. Take Hollywood for example, which frankly is what holds a good chunk of the root of the problem. Left and right women, especially those who are in the limelight, are being bashed and made fun of for how they look because they don’t look like the other girls who are shown on TV. This can also be said for men as well too. Individuals are being held up to this perfection standard, on how they should look and live. A standard that by no means should even be a standard in the first place. Who gets to decide how I should look or feel other than my own self?? No one. Yet society still feels the need, even today in a world in which many individuals (including myself) are trying to break down these stigmas, to place us under microscopes and try to dissect us as if we are their next lab rat and just some experiment instead of humans. Instead of being praised for being who we are and living our lives how we want to, we are being torn down and ridiculed. According to society if You don’t have a thigh gap or six-pack you should fix that, and get one. Well, news flash society - EVERY BODY IS BEAUTIFUL. EVERY PERSON IS BEAUTIFUL. There should be no "set/ideal" body type or lifestyle. Things that shouldn’t define us, society is trying to turn against us and use them as defining factors. Why should you be able to judge me to such a severe extent based on how I look. Granted, I have noticed in the last few years we are taking steps in the right direction; as more companies that are high up in advertising and the television industry are breaking the stigma and bringing in individuals of all shapes, sizes, colors, and lifestyles - but that still does not change the fact that there are still images and standards of perfection all around us. Because this pressure can honestly feel suffocating and deafening at times.
I’ll openly admit, this ideal is an easy thing to succumb to, believe me, I've been there. I used to look at myself and hate what I saw. Not only was I focused on society’s perception and that ideal Hollywood image, but there were also people around me in my own personal life that criticized me. They would denounce me for not only my looks, but for things that I liked, or for how I acted. They made me feel as if the person that I was was not a person worth having or being. They made me look at myself as if I was truly nothing. Their nit-picking transferred over to me, and even when I wasn’t personally surrounded by their negativity it still followed me everywhere I went. Looming over me like a dark cloud, and following behind me like a shadow. I began judging myself and questioning who I was and how I looked. Trying to find things that I could change, just so I could go to school, or out and not be picked on for once. Just one day that's all I really wanted. A day where I didn't have to watch what I was eating because they told me I would gain more weight If ate that one cookie. A day where I didn't have to suck in my stomach just to seem skinnier to get some other freshman boy to like me because I wanted to be his type. At this time I was younger so I didn’t really know better. When you reach that pre-teen/teen era as a kid you focus on trying to fit in, and when people say things to you that tear you down you typically take them to heart instead of brushing them off. Granted, I know better now - but at the time I didn’t. Looking back on it all, not only did I shy away from being my full bubbly self (my energy was too much for some) but I also kept from wearing clothes that would show off my legs or arms for quite a while. And swimsuits such as bikinis were far out of the question for me. I became self-conscious of how I looked and wanted to not only hide it from me but hide it from the world. I wasn’t the skinniest, and because of the ideals that society has ingrained in everyone's minds, I was led to believe that my weight, and how I looked were frowned upon. So I did what most young, and let's be real I was naive, kids do and changed myself. I wanted to hide under the radar, not draw attention to myself. This went on for quite a while too. All the way up until about halfway through college if I’m going to be completely accurate. Clothes that tons of other girls around me were wearing and rocking such as booty shorts, crop tops, and skinny jeans were foreign items to me. And it wasn’t due to the fact that I would be uncomfortable if some skin on my stomach showed, it was because I was scared of what people would say. Scared of judgments, and side-eyes being thrown at me. I was more uncomfortable with the possibility of attention than the clothes if that makes sense. The funny thing is that I was probably more uncomfortable in the clothes that I did wear. Not to say they weren't actually comfy, or that I liked them, cuz they were, otherwise I wouldn't have bought them, but something was just off. I didn't feel like me in them. It was as if I was only being half a version of who I was and wanted to be - especially as I grew older. It’s a bit hard to explain it, but I guess the best way would be that I felt as if I was a turtle being trapped in its own shell, afraid to come out and embrace the world.
It wasn’t until these last few years that I started to break free and began living my life on my own terms. For the longest time I was so focused on what others thought of me, and never really paid attention to what I thought. And since I am all about being transparent and completely open and vulnerable here...I will admit that I hated myself. I hated myself for so many years. I hated what I had become and that I had allowed society, and others to affect me and change who I was that much. I would look in the mirror and be disgusted with what I saw. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t who I wanted to be. Instead, it was who I was tricked into becoming. It was like having a totally different version of myself looking back at me, and not a good one.
I couldn’t tell you exactly what caused it, but one day I woke up and decided to take my life and my happiness back. Why for the longest time was I letting others dictate who I ultimately was? So many potential years of pure happiness were taken from me, and that sucks. No one should ever have to feel as if they are not enough. To feel as if they have to change who they are, whether entirely or a little bit, just to fit in. We should never ever have to feel that way or experience it and what it can do to someone and their self-confidence. It’s crazy how the want and need for acceptance from others can outweigh the acceptance of ourselves. And that day that I chose to deviate from what others were telling me was honestly the day that my journey to where I am today, began.
If I were to pinpoint an exact precise time where it began I would probably say while I was away at school in Arizona. Maybe it was because I was away from the people who had tormented me for the last six years of my life, or maybe it was because it was a chance for me to start off fresh. A whole new chapter, or rather book of my life. I was taking the pen back and writing my own happy ending. It took some time, but by my junior year, things were really beginning to look up. I was starting to find myself again, and I was loving it. I was getting back into hobbies that I had stopped along the way, I began wearing clothes that I felt comfortable and more like myself in, and I began to bring back my true personality - one that I promised myself I would never ring back in from that moment forward. I was no longer afraid of what others would say. Now, of course, there were some minor setbacks along the way. Hellllooooo anxiety, how ya doing ya little monster you. But even then, I never let it fully stop me. Sure I had the moments where I would recede back into my shell for a little. But it was due to some other reasons. Shoutout to 2018 and 2019 for teaching me a hell of a lot. As shitty as you were 70% of the time, you were the MVPs because you got me to where I currently am today. A happy go lucky, zero fucks given, exuberating sweet bubble of love and joy.
Now to me, new years have always been a little bit of a funny thing. You know how every year as we enter a new round of three hundred and sixty five (or six lol) days we tend to set resolutions? Well, I would be lying if, over the course of the last twenty-plus years of my life, I said I ever completed them...or at least whenever I was old enough to actually understand resolutions and began participating in and setting them lol. More so counting the last maybe five or so years, I kept setting the same goal. However, it wasn't until this year that I can finally say I have completed it. I always promised myself that whenever a new year hit, that like most say, that it would be ‘my year’. And while it did ring true in some senses for past years, such as landing a job with a dream company of mine and managing life on my own - this year everything went that extra mile. I wasn’t gonna be doing anything half-ass anymore. It was all or nothing. I am the type of person that when I fully set my mind to something, I complete it. My dad has told me that that's always been something he has admired about me. When my mind is really into it, whether it happens quickly or takes some time, I get what I want to be done. And looking back over my life for the last eight months I can't help but smile with how much I have completed and where I am at. I can confidently say that I took back the reigns of my life from society's hands and am living my life fully how I want it. They say that no one likes you when you're 23...but regardless of what anyone else says I am happy. I AM SO DAMN FUCKING HAPPY! (pardon my french, but I really really am). And this is something that I am so damn proud of. Especially after my major fallback in my emotional and mental state at the end of last year. I went from being in one of the darkest places in my life that I had ever been in, to nearly forgetting that it occurred. I used to be extremely nervous and anxious on the days of the ‘anniversary’ and for the first time this past month, I felt zero anxiety. ZIP. nothing. And to some that may not mean much, but to me it meant a shit ton. I know I can't speak for everyone, but for me to get to that point in such a fairly short time was nothing short of a miracle. After living my life half-heartedly for so long, it is so refreshing to be back to who I once was. To be living my life to my own standards. Standards-based on who I am as a person, my own morals, and feelings - ones that stem from not only my faith but also from who I simply am. Long gone are the days that society and others tell me that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Just simply not enough. Because guess what, I AM ENOUGH! And so are you!!! Anyone can say what they want about me, you can try and tear and drag me down but it's not going to work. All that matters to me is what I think of myself. And I think I am pretty damn awesome.
A little over a month ago actually I was actually talking with a close friend of mine and telling her about this Epiphany that just had occurred. I had been scrolling through my Instagram that day, looking through old pictures and old story memories and it's as if something clicked. I went from having little to none confidence in who I was, or my body; to being the Queen that I know I am (and you are too!)(kings as well). For those who know me, I have always been a happy person, it’s ingrained in my character, but this year wow this year has really done me and given me that major boost that I had been searching for. If you would have asked me a year or two ago if I would post a picture on social media of me in a bikini I would have shied away, laughed, and told you hell to the no. But, here we are. I had posted one that day. I had finally found my self-love and confidence and am now rocking it full-fledged. And guess what, I am doing it for ME. Not for anyone else. I am not posting these photos, or dressing or acting the way that I am asking for attention, I am doing all of this because it is me, and I am proud of myself and how far I have come. I am confident, and god forbid if I want to show it.
The whole “this is it, this is my year” concept has always been scary, but It has finally happened. I went on the journey, and despite many obstacles, came out on top. Yes, these last few months have been trying with some personal things and this pandemic and quarantine, not really being able to live out our years and lives as we all had originally planned. But in my eyes this year has been the biggest blessing. Without it, I could honestly say that I don't know where I would be. Life is like one giant butterfly effect, and mine led me here, and for that, I am forever thankful. I still have some things to work on, after all this is a constant building journey with no final destination. No longer will I be reaching for that perfection perception. Despite what society continues to shove down our throats - we should all listen to Hannah Montana instead because like she says, no one is perfect. And honestly, perfection is overrated if you ask me. So please stop striving to reach that ideal. Take it from me, it isn’t worth it - you will only drown, lose, and hurt yourself in the process. You will go from having zero cares to caring about every little thing, even the most minuscule details. And before you know it it's as if a rock is tied to your foot and you are being dragged under, falling further and further away from the light.
I know it's easier said than done, as the mind is a powerful thing and frankly it likes to wander off on its own sometimes - and try and take control of you. Look at me for instance, two decades down the hatch and here we are. I changed my life and my happiness for others. I based my worth on what they were saying to me instead of what I should have been saying to myself. And because of them, those were negative instead of positive things. I gave them the power that they were seeking.
If you ever need a helping hand please do not be afraid to ask. I am here for you, hand at the ready. Please know that you are and always will be enough. Screw what society and others think. Screw the words and labels that they try to place on us. Screw the shaming, name-calling, and standards. Be who you want to be. Look how you want to look. Embrace who you can be and are to your full potential, because when you do it's a truly magnificent and life-altering sight and experience. Be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how others see you. And when you do, it will be harder to stay around people who don't. Again the butterfly effect comes into play, and your self-confidence and worth will begin to spread like wildfire in such a positive light.
Ignite. Let’s create that fire. Let’s burn down societal perceptions and ideals.
Hollywood sensors and regulates cigarettes, sex, and cusswords, so why can't they regulate things that they do and say that shame others on how they look or act. I have never ever been a fan of shaming someone, and the fact that in 2020 it is still a thing that occurs daily, regarding a lot of different instances, boggles my mind. Why can't weight be looked at as just a number, when it really is just a number? Why can't all sizes and body types normalized all across the board, instead of ridiculed? Why can't everyone just be nice? It really isn't that hard.
It only takes one person to make a difference, so let's be those people. Embrace the glorious mess that you are, and if people still try to bring you down that just means that they haven't completed their journey yet. And whether or not they would ever admit it, chances are they are actually inspired by you and how high you hold your head.
So, my friends, I will leave you with this. I challenge you to two things this week. First off, to tell yourself something positive each morning when you wake up. Whether this is through sticky notes placed around your house or a nice little reflection talk into the mirror. The more you bring positivity into your everyday life the better you will feel I can guarantee you that. Even if it's only noticeable little by little. This isn’t something that can happen overnight, it's a journey. But it is a journey worth embarking on, believe me.
And second, to promise yourself that you will stop putting your thoughts, feelings, and needs second. Selfishness and self-care are two very different things. Walk away from those who do not value your worth, who love you with conditions, and treat you based on their own. You shouldn't have to destroy your soul to keep a relationship with someone. Replace that criticalness inside your head with thoughts of positivity (hence the sticky note exercise- it truly helps, at least for me it did) that lift you up. Be kind, gentle, and respectful with yourself. Recognize that you are enough. Now lock these promises away somewhere and throw that key far away. Long gone will the days be of you doubting your self-worth. Your journey, if it hasn't already, begins now. May you learn that you are deserving of the same love that you give others. And may you keep these promises <3
I am here for you all the whole way if you need me. Just call my name and I'll be there. You guys have got this, I know you do.
Now go kill it and rock the world <3
Till Next time. Stay Happy, Stay Healthy, Stay Safe
T
“the most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy. It's all that matters"
- Audrey Hepburn
PS. Post that Bikini or shirtless picture if you want. Rock the body that you are confident in. Wanna talk about something you are passionate about? Awesome, please do not apologize for doing so - I would love to hear about it. You wanna eat that fifth taco, DO IT!
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