I have always loved writing.... it allows oneself to express their feelings in a raw and honest way through the power of words. It can draw people in, and paint a picture for them in such a simple, yet at the same time, complex manner. It allows you to showcase whatever you’re feeling in the moment. Sad. Happy. Angry. Analytical. You name it.
Like most girls I am a sucker for a good happy love story. Unfortunately, though this is not the case with this specific story. Not that I want to give this that much credit by calling it a story, but essentially it is an account of a past event that occurred in my life. One that majorly affected me unlike anything else ever has. One that I can still struggle with, like my anxiety, on a daily basis, and most likely will for years to come. This isn’t something that just goes away, It’s not as simple as just blinking my eyes and watching it disappear. Why? Because this was something that tried setting up a permanent camp within my mind.
Two words
Multiple Actions
One thing that you always hear about, but never in a million years think will happen to you
Sexual Assault.
If I’m going, to be honest, this isn’t something that I thought I would openly write about...it was something that was very difficult for me to deal with at the time it happened. It was hard to think about, talk about, let alone write about. In fact, this would be the first time that I have ever actually sat down and gone into detail about it. Yes, I’ve told a few of those close to me, but even then it was essentially a spark notes version because it was, and frankly still can be, a very raw and open wound, even almost six months later. However, I want those that are out there to know that if they too have experienced something like this, that they are not alone. And for those who haven’t, I hope that you never in a trillion years are ever put into such a situation like this where you don’t feel safe. That is why I have chosen to speak about it. Because while it is something that isn’t pleasant to go through or feel, I want those who have gone through this to know that there is a way that you can come out of this darkness.
Before I dive In, and break down my barrier I want to thank those who I had previously confided in about this - that stayed by my side through it all and helped to keep me on my feet. You guys are my rocks, and without you, I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through. Each day after it occurred was a battle...one that I am still fighting every so often, but day by day it gets easier, and you guys played a major role in allowing that.
Now for those who have ever been in my position, you know what it's like...but for those who haven’t this is where things start to get scary and very raw.
Imagine what it feels like to have the one thing that is truly yours, your home, your body, taken away from you, and left feeling as if it is no longer yours. Someone else has broken in. Tainted your walls, shattered the windows, and caused your foundation to cave. The puzzle that you had pieced so perfectly together, one full of humanity, trust, and hope beginning to crumble in front of your very own eyes. You wake up the next morning hoping that it was all a dream, but you’re soon hit with the reality that it's a recurring nightmare because it just keeps replaying over in your head. The pressure of their hands on your body, your voice being caught in your throat because you were frozen in fear. You know you should speak up. Say something. Anything. But you just....can't.
Picture yourself as if you were a piece of ice. I went into this date happy and free-flowing, having so much hope because this guy seemed to check off all of the marks that I had for my dream guy in the back of my mind. However, just like ice, the longer you are in the cold the quicker you freeze. I know that I should have spoken up, believe me, I deal with what would have NOT happened if I did, and I know that again we see this happening on a daily basis. Heck, Hollywood practically features something along these lines in some form on every other show. When watching those scenes on said shows, or reading about them in news articles we tend to think “if I was ever in a situation like that I would….”. I’ll openly admit, I was one of those people. I always thought that if I was ever in the situation that I was in that I would speak up and put an end to it….but as I’m writing this and telling you all, unfortunately that’s not what occurred. And this just goes to show that no matter how much you think you could be prepared for a certain situation, you never truly know how you are going to act in it, until you are in it..And half the time it's the complete opposite of what you thought you would do. I had hoped that I would be the person that would push the assaulter off before any true physical, emotional, or mental damage could be done but I just couldn’t…..and if it weren’t for the cop that had pulled into the parking lot (yes this was also in a public area) I could have been in that situation much longer than I actually was. In that instance, he had stopped touching me long enough for my flight or fight mode to finally kick in, and I was able to get out of his car and leave. He caught up to me just before getting to my own car and proceeded to tell me just how much of a strong connection he felt to me. Throughout everything that had previously occurred, I was already set off by some of the things that he said as well as did, things that I still continue to hear when I do have my nightmares every once in a while. No matter how hard I try I can still hear the crude comments along with his laughter as if he thought the whole situation was hilarious when it was anything but. This had been our first date (and definitely last) and we had been together for about 2 maybe 3 hours, and he was saying these kinds of things to me?? Still being in my fight or flight mode, I just nodded along with everything he was saying because I was scared that if I said the latter option, something that he didn’t want to hear, that he would get angry. And I didn’t want to be violated or hurt any more than I already was. With one last small smile, I got In my own car and drove away without looking back. Silent tears falling down my cheeks as I made the short drive back to my apartment, extremely grateful at that moment that I had opted for meeting him that night instead of having him pick me up.
That night and the next day were some of the hardest for me. As soon as I got home I immediately stepped into the shower in an attempt to scrub away every area that he touched me. To get rid of the feeling of never being clean. However, it only got worse. Over the course of the next few days, I was asked by some of those close to me who knew I was going on a date, how it went. For some, such as my roommate and sister, I broke down the night it happened and told them. They let me get everything that I was feeling out. Do you know how in movies, sometimes characters go to the top of a mountain and just scream? This was my mountain screaming moment. Unfortunately despite the amount of support, I still got put on the blame spectrum of things. I had decided to call a close friend of mine, someone who I completely trusted, and would tell pretty much everything to. However, it did not go as I had planned. It’s not like I was expecting rainbows and butterflies necessarily, but I definitely was not expecting what was thrown at me instead. Which, don't get me wrong, I love people who are blunt. Why beat around the bush when you can just say it all in one go, but in this case their bluntness was victim-blaming. Question after question was thrown my way “why didn’t you stop it” “you could have stopped it if…” "you should have spoken up" “it wouldn’t have happened if…” Believe me, I know it wouldn’t have, and I am the one that has to live with that. Just because I was silent, out of fear, though does not mean that I gave my consent. Unless I say verbally and clearly give that, then it is not ok. I never understood the act of victim-blaming. Why make us feel as if the whole thing is our fault when we are not the person who committed the disgusting and dehumanizing act? The situation had already broken me, and that phone call caused me to be like a turtle and shrink back into my shell. If I don't tell anyone else, I couldn’t get hurt anymore, right? I said to myself that in that instant I wasn’t going to ever bring it up anymore because I didn’t want to have someone else, someone who I had laid a hefty amount of my faith and trust in, someone who I never thought would essentially blame me, do so once again.
For a little while, those few were the only ones that knew the extent of it all, still able to count the amount that I had told on one hand. When others would ask how the date went, I would give them the simplest of answers, that it was bad, and move on. That was until almost about a month after, I was talking to now one of my best friends, and we were on the topic of sexual assault. I always knew that I could trust this person, they’re one of those types of people that as soon as you meet them you know that not only are they going to be in your life forever, but that they’re going to majorly positively affect it too. This person is the one who I reach out to whenever this situation comes back to try and haunt me. When it had hit the three-month mark I woke up feeling off, unable to put my finger on it. I went through the whole day not really feeling like myself and it wasn’t until the night when it finally hit me. I had texted them to see if they were free, just needing someone to talk to, and even though they were busy and out at dinner with a friend they still took the time to speak with me, allowing me to vent and get everything out, tears and all. Which let me tell you, helped a ton. So thank you for always coming to my ted talks (and I’ll always be there for yours), I’m forever thankful for you, even though you already know that.
They were, until now as I am writing this, the last person to know about it all. At this point, in total there was probably about five or so who knew, although now that number will be a lot bigger.
Again, this is something that I never thought I would openly talk about. Would I have told a few others about it over the course of my life, probably, but I not once thought, until recently that I would share the story with hundreds, if not thousands of others. I originally wanted to keep it to those select few, because why would I want everyone to know of this tantalizing act that happened to me. But then it hit me. Why should I not share it? Why should I be scared to be vulnerable? This is something that happens to so many other girls and guys every day. Those who are probably going through the same thought process that I did after it first occurred. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, ever. It’s one of the worst feelings that anyone could ever experience. I’m lucky to not only have people around me that love and care for me, but I also have God, which is love truly like any other. When I majorly hit my dark times, even when I did feel alone I knew that I wasn’t because God was, and still is there with me, always by my side with an outstretched hand and open ears. Unfortunately, though, I know not everyone is as lucky. And I want you all to know now, that if you are reading this and have been through this same situation, or something similar that you are NOT alone.
I promise you that even when you feel as if you are, you aren’t. There are people out there that love you, people who want to help you. Don’t allow yourself to go through this dark time on your own. I know its easy to let the darkness swallow you, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and if you need a little help to get to that light that's completely ok.
As crappy as what happened is, and after my moments and time in the darkness I have now chosen to look at it in a positive light. Do I wish I never had to go through this? Of course, because again this is something that I would never wish upon anyone. But, no life is perfect. Along the way, there are going to be obstacles, and I have chosen to view this experience as an obstacle. With obstacles come crossroads, and when we come to those crossroads we often have two options, to try and hurtle over it, or to give up and walk back. If you walk back, you are going back into the darkness, the spiral of anxiety that seems to never end. I decided to hurtle, I took the leap of faith and I jumped. Along the way will there be more obstacles that are reflections of this experience? Ones that threaten to try and bring me back into the darkness I was once in? Yes. But I will worry about those when they come, and I know that I will overcome them as well.
Many of you have probably heard the phrase - forgiveness is a key. A key to freedom. A key to happiness. Do I believe that statement? I do. And this is why. In the long run, holding onto resentment can cause us more harm than good. Those negative emotions: fear, disappointment, guilt; they cause us to bury the pain deeper and before we know it not only are we listening to the lies, but we are becoming the lies. In order to move forward, we need to face the pains of our past. Even after will we still carry the past? Of course. The past is something that will never go away. But with it comes the choice to allow it to help or to hinder you.
At the beginning of it all I always tried to push it to the farthest possible point in my mind. Which then seemed like the best possible idea. Out of sight, out of mind right? But, that was actually the farthest thing from the truth. The deeper I suppressed it, the more it seemed to hurt me. And that is when my true road to healing began.
A few weeks back, I was reading Sadie Robertson’s book “Live Fearless.” In chapters 5 and 6, she talked about using her past experiences to strengthen herself. The ones that caused shame, disappointment, and anger (to name a few emotions) to help her find a place of happiness and hope. Instead of pushing everything away and bottling it up, she decided to deal with it all in a healthy light and to let it all go and let it to God. She came up with a seven-step healing process, and for me, this has been a huge life changer. And even if you aren’t a huge believer in faith,I still believe that these steps listed below could benefit you if you so choose to follow them.
1) Pray like Crazy - share your heart with God. Ask for God’s help and guidance along the way. This is not an easy journey, but through it all, he will be by your side.
2) Tell yourself the Truth - you can't tell the truth to others until you tell it to yourself. Are you scared of something? Hurt by someone? In order to move beyond it, you have to confront it. Own it, and know it.
3) Get your pain out - Stop trying to hide your hurt. Let it out. Like Sadie, what benefited me the most was writing everything down. I originally never wanted to talk about it again, but this openness has allowed for a huge weight to be lifted off of my shoulders that I didn’t know was there.
4) Ask God for Healing - telling God about it is just the start, but asking him for help in healing is what will truly help push you forward. Once you sincerely surrender to Him, you will begin to see Him working in your life in ways you hadn’t seen before.
5) Share your heart with someone you trust - although I told some before I got my pain out by writing, this step was still an extremely beneficial one. Yes, writing took a huge weight off my shoulder, but so does speaking it out loud, especially to someone who you trust without a doubt. A family member, a friend, a mentor, a therapist, all of the above; regardless of who they are if the love is truly there I promise you you will be helped. Through this, you can pray for one another, and new healing can begin.
6) Open your heart to healing- after getting the pain out, sometimes you wanna hide again, at least for a little while. Again, it's not an easy track. This is something that takes trust, which as shown in experiences such as assault is something that is broken. But by embracing the newfound healing that is in the works, and surrendering everything to God and opening up your heart to him, you will soon feel fuller than you ever have in your life. It’s a leap of faith, but it’s a leap that is 100% worth it.
7) Believe in God’s word - The most effective weapon on earth is the word of our Lord and Savior. It has the power to heal and drastically affect one's life for the better. In order for it to do this though, you have to believe in it. This isn’t a book that you can just scan and hope for the best. You have to take in each and every word and allow for it to open up not only your mind but your heart as well. These words are written for you, and if you really think about them and apply them to whatever you are going through, they have the power to change your life.
The world will continue to throw lies after lies at you, but at the end of the day, it's not what the world says or thinks that matters, it’s what you and God do. People say that time heals all wounds. And while I believe that to some extent, as things do take time, when it comes down to it God is the one that heals. It wasn’t until I read Sadie’s book that my heart was forever changed. I’ve been a Christian, and believer in Christ for as long as I can remember. But while reading her book, especially doing so after the assault, my eyes were opened to all the possibilities in a whole new way.
I always knew that I had God with me, but I never really laid it all out to him. And by doing so, by doing this and letting go of the past, surrendering it to Him, it gave me the opportunity to propel forward. And I hope that it can do the same for you too. It’s not a short or easy process, it's one that will need be taken step by step, day by day. But if I can guarantee you anything, its that the sooner you start the process the happier you will begin to feel. Because since doing so, I have become a new and better person. Yes, the experience with sexual assault was a completely shitty one, and again its something that I would never ever wish upon anyone, but by surrendering it all to the Lord, I was able to turn something that was once a major negative in my life, into something that I can now look at as a positive.
Of course, as mentioned earlier, I wish it never did happen. But instead of giving it the power to pull me into a sea of darkness, I am following the waves of light instead. Those seven steps outlined in Sadie’s book helped immensely, but so did forgiveness. I touched briefly on forgiveness earlier, its an extremely powerful asset. It’s something that we learn throughout our lives, and there are many ways that you can discover it. You could learn about it from your parents, watching a movie, witnessing it firsthand, or being the one to commit the action: each one provides you with the information needed, the only difference is the amount of emotion or effort involved in getting that information. Yes learning about it from others or television is helpful, but until you actually experience it, it doesn’t leave a lasting effect on you. Throughout my life, I have had my fair share of being the one to offer forgiveness as well as being the one to receive it. However, as much as those did impact me, this experience with forgiveness is the one that I will hold onto as having the most impact on me. This one took a majorly dark time in my life and changed it into a future of brightness.
Forgiveness doesn’t forgive their actions, but it stops them from destroying our hearts. By choosing to forgive those who hurt us, we are choosing to not allow what they did to us to have the potential power to hurt and ruin us more than it did when the action took place, or to taint our future experiences of life.
So that leaves me with these three words, tied together to a little letter, that I would like to say to my assaulter, and ones that I hope, if you have gone through the same thing, can say to yours one day as well.
“I Forgive you.”
I know that what you did to me, was not right in the slightest, and I really truly hope that I was the only one that you ever did that to. I pray that no one else has to go through that same traumatic experience. Do I still hear your laugh and some of the things you said to me that night? Of course. Those, unfortunately, are moments that will never fully disappear from my mind. But I am not going to allow them to haunt me anymore. I am not going to allow you to haunt me anymore. I may not have “won” in this situation. But I am not going to allow you to win and hold power over me. Instead, I am going to allow what you did and said to motivate me. I will turn the bad that you did to me into good, and use it to benefit myself instead of allowing it to hurt me more than it already has in the past. So thank you. Thank you for turning me into a stronger individual. You robbed me of a lot of things that night, but the two things that you ultimately didn’t take are my pride and self-worth. And I truly hope that like myself, you can use this experience to better yourself too. I hope that you have come, or one day will, to the realization that what you did was wrong and I pray that you never commit something like it again. I hope that you live a good rest of your life, and I mean that in the most genuine way possible. I don’t wish anything bad upon you. I just hope that like myself, you choose to allow this to make you a better and stronger person. Thank You, I forgive you, and may the Lord be With You.
God Bless.
-Tessa
At the beginning of this all I had mentioned that this wasn’t a happy love story. And while it wasn’t, in the sense of romance. It was one of self-love and finding a newfound strength. And in the end I found myself, and somehow that was far more beautiful and everything.
I know this was a lot of a darker topic than what some of you may have been expecting, especially from someone who is often happy and bubbly. But for this site, as much as I want to keep it on the lighter side of things. I also want to feature real and raw moments. Yes, I am the person that everyone knows as ‘always smiling’, but this just goes to show you that you never truly know what someone else is going through. As mentioned in my last post about my experience with anxiety, people all around you are fighting silent battles. And If you take anything away from this, I hope it's this. Things will get better. I know right now, things may seem like you hit rock bottom. And as dark as rock bottom can be, the bright side is that you can only go up from there. Getting better takes time. It’s not an easy, fixed overnight kind of deal. It’s one that takes work each and every day. But it's one that is worthwhile. One that will leave you a stronger, healthier, and happier person. And please do not be afraid to reach out for help or to speak up. I was for the longest time. For me, it only added to my pain and sorrow, and I don't want to see anyone else go through that. Trust me when I say that you are not a statistic. You are worth far more than a number. You are a survivor, and you will set the world on fire with just how bright you shine.
For those going through something similar, If you don't have someone close to you whom you feel like you can ask for help or guidance, you can talk to me. I am here for you, even if you don’t personally know me. I am here.<3
And Remember It’s ok to not be ok. But I promise you that one day it all will be.
Ephesians 4:32
Till next week <3
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