It’s easy to be captivated and distracted by things that seem beautiful on the outside. I’ll admit, I have fallen victim to this game before, and more times than not it's a challenge that isn’t easily won. Now don't get me wrong, physical attraction is an important aspect of a romantic relationship. You obviously want to be attracted to your partner, but as the saying goes - beauty is only skin deep. Someone could check all the outward appearance marks on that list that you have for your future husband or wife: picture-perfect smile, gorgeous eyes that you get lost in…..but when it comes down to it, are they actually the type of person that you could see yourself potentially spending forever with??
Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, waiting for my Prince Charming to come riding through (honestly he probably just got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions). But despite the fact that I have never been in an actual relationship, yes you read that right, I have fallen for people and gotten my heart broken before. I was so distracted by their outward appearances and the fake facade that they were putting out there. Telling me all the right things that someone else always wants to hear, that i was blinded by who they really were. They hid their true colors so well, but it took the one slip up for everything to come crashing down. Unfortunately, in my case, it happened too late, but that's a part of life; and in the end, you learn from it. (I’ll get fully into these stories in a future post, trust me)
When it comes to relationships for me, maybe I just haven’t gotten into one because they're falling for my outward appearance, and not falling for who I actually am. If I actually go back and think about those past “relationships” “flings”, whatever we wanna call them, I was always complimented on my looks and never on my character. Which, don't get me wrong, hearing the person that you like call you beautiful or complement your smile makes your heart flutter like no other; but at the end of the day I personally would rather be complimented on who I am as a person. To be told something about my personality or my character. Because then I know that they actually see me for me. I also feel that ever since my sexual assault that a lot of aspects revolving around relationships have shifted for me. It’s been seven months since it happened, and although I have yet to 100% put myself back out there (I mean we are in a pandemic after all), I have had the time to focus on myself and reevaluate a lot of my past decisions in regards to relationships. I’m not scared, despite what some may think, I just believe that for me that was my final straw in regards to how I want to and know I should be treated and looked at.
Growing up I was always taught to find a man that respects you. When I went off to college as a freshman we were given these little cards that parents could fill out with wishes for their kids. My dad filled out mine, and one of the prompts was “I hope you meet…” and my dad responded with “a nice guy!!” Unfortunately though, sorry to break it to you Dad (even though you already know this as it has been 6 years lol) but that did not happen, nor has it yet to happen, at least on the romance spectrum. I’ll openly admit, I was a bit bummed that I never met anyone in college. The one time I did, was my freshman year and my best friend at the time ended up dating him….after dating and dumping his best friend…..It was all very interesting lol. Of course, after that, I met guys that I thought were attractive, but it never amounted to anything romantically. Fast forward to two years ago, and that is when things started to change. Your girl went on her first date. Yep, you heard that right. I, Tessa Zalfen, had never gone on a date during high school or college. It wasn't until I was in my Disney college program, at the age of 21 that I could say I had officially and finally gone on my first date lol. Honestly, I was never in any rush to do so. I am a huge sucker for cliches and as cliche as this may sound, I wanted my first date to be with someone that I really liked and was interested in getting to know on that level. I had been talking to this guy for a few weeks at this point, and we had decided to meet up….drum roll please… at Disney lol. Because why not, I was a CM, he was a pass holder, and it was a public and fun place to hang out. I think the date went fairly well, but after talking for a little while longer it never really led to anything more. Although, we do still follow each other on Instagram...so if you're reading this hey what's up lol. After that, it took me about another year until I really put myself out there again. I was focusing on my career and my friendships that I pushed romance to the back burner as it wasn't really something I needed in my life at that moment.
Now, this is when all the relationship fun and drama begins...woohoo (she said sarcastically) buckle up y'all. You may want to grab a snack or two and a drink, just saying.
I did a video with a friend of mine a while back, and in it, I was asked if there were certain qualities that I look for in a significant other. Respect was the first quality that I mentioned, as with what you are about to learn, numerous times I was not. I was judged for some of my morals by people that I had trusted at the time and was taken advantage of by people that I didn't.
I won't go one hundred percent into each story, granted one you already know (so I won't be saying that one), but I would like to save the others for a future post. So as of right now, you will be receiving the spark notes version (sorry not sorry).
There are two specific instances of relationship wise that have stuck with me and have majorly impacted what I will look for in future potential romances, outside of that of the assault. I used to be the type of person that you could wave a red flag in front of, and I would just ignore it. Whereas now, that could be the furthest thing from the truth.
A little over a year ago, I had been going back and forth with a guy. We would go from seeing each other for a bit to nothing, and then redoing the whole cycle again. A lot of months of my time, even his, were wasted. It would go from being super good one day to being garbage the next. I had a ton of friends telling me that what I was putting myself through was not healthy. I was, and frankly still am, as mentioned a hopeless romantic so I was holding out the hope that we would work things out and that everything would be ok. Which don't get me wrong, it is. We’re on decent terms now. However, at this time it was not. At the start of our, whatever you wanna call it lol, we were really into one another, and then it was as if the brake was hit out of nowhere. For the next month, I was left with nothing. No answers, I was only met back with silence. It wasn't until another month or so later that we started to talk again. Things slowly starting to seem as how they used to be...which frankly I should have taken this as a warning sign but again Hi, I was stupid and ignored it at the time lol (ya live and ya learn). This time around though, I felt as if I was being gaslighted. I had put so much into this person and would go against what I normally wouldn't, for them. I don't think they intended for that, but honestly, who knows. It got to the point where things became more sexual than actually getting to know me more as a person on a genuine and deeper level. One night they came over, and after that night guess who got left in the dark again?? That’s right lol, this girl right here.
You think I would have learned from this..and while I have, especially looking back on it now, at the time this was all happening I did allow myself to get manipulated again. Although this time around it hurt ten times worse.
They say the best relationships start off as friendships, and while I do believe that to be true for the most part, they do have the potential to be the exact opposite as well. At least in this specific instance for me it was. I had trusted this person with every last ounce, and in return, I was left shattered and torn. Like a piece of paper ripped to shreds, or glass tossed to the floor left to break. We went from being attached at the hip, talking every day, and hanging out after we were both off from work to nothing at all. Late-night beach talks have always been one of my favorite things, and for us, that was kind of our thing. We would grab a tallboy beer or two from the nearby seven-eleven, and just sit under the stars and talk for hours. One night though we decided to cross that line. The one that surpasses being purely platonic… and before you make assumptions lol no not THAT line. It was just kissing. For the next week or so everything was fine. We were still hanging out, cracking our normal jokes, and then all of a sudden it wasn’t. Just like before it was as if a switch flipped overnight. Except for this time, it was like a soccer punch to the gut because of how close we were. The fact that people can be in your life one day to not the next still boggles my mind. You can go from being each other's everything, to complete strangers overnight. After that, it was as if I didn't exist to him anymore. Like I was just someone taking up extra space and oxygen in his life, space that he wanted back. Space that I tried to give. It’s hard, especially when not only are you extremely in each other everyday lives but when you also share a friend group. I was extremely thankful for this though. Because with everything that was going on I had people that were there for me, people that helped me to pick up those pieces that were left on the ground. And the funny thing is that through this friend group I had received that closure which I was seeking. I know you can't always get closure, but in this instance I had and boy was I glad that I did. I had thought that this person truly cared for, and about me; getting to know the real me. A little while later down the line, I was informed though that this person brought up the question of my virginity and was upset that I was trying to not have sex until marriage. As if my choice on the matter actually was in their hands….they had literally asked another friend of ours what they were supposed to do….. Because it's such a hard thing to respect me and my decision to have sex or not? lol.
It was then that I realized that at the end of the day I was just being looked at from the outside. Did they care for me? I would like to hope so; but after all, was said and done it seemed that these guys that I had entrusted really didn't want to get to know me on the level that I wanted to get to know them. Which I get, you can't force someone to feel the same way you do, but regardless of this, you should still treat that person with respect. Don’t play manipulative games with me. Communicate with me, don't look at me as an animal looks at its prey. Don't use me, my feelings, and my time and then just dispose of me like yesterday's trash once you get what you want or find out that you won't. I know it's easy to get wrapped up in and blinded by physical and sexual attraction, I myself have been there. It’s a thing that millions around the world fall into every day. After All, Even God thought that the devil was once beautiful.
As crappy as these moments/experiences were at the time, I am actually thankful for them. Because I went through that, I now know the signs to look for. I know what I deserve, and it isn't that. Of course, I want that physical attraction, but more importantly, I want the emotional. I want my significant other to love me for who I am inside, to look past my outward appearance and exterior - and to see me for who I really and truly am.
We so easily fall for someone's flowers, and rarely dig deeper to learn their roots. But let me tell you, as beautiful as a flower can be-the true beauty lies within what is underneath. Roots hold a story, and that story is what morphed the person standing in front of you into who they are today. Roots aren’t just one fiber or branch, they are made up of multiple, all expanding and building upon one another. Just as we are built up of multiple experiences, all of which we learn from and in turn use to make ourselves better and stronger. So, my friends, I challenge you to dig deeper. Look into what truly makes someone who they are, more times than not you will most likely find authentic and pure beauty.
Furthermore, when someone decides to post a (what we consider due to the stigma that society has created) sexy photos that are not a call for you to come at them. We are doing this for ourselves, because we feel confident, gorgeous, and empowered. This isn't a hall pass for you to catcall us, or slide into our DMs or comment sections. Don’t scroll through my Instagram and send me a post of mine from two years ago and tell me that I am “a snack” or ask for me to post more pictures in a swimsuit so you can see my ass. I know I’m a snack, I love my body for once in my life and I am posting those pictures and funny captions (because hi I am a sucker for a good pun) FOR ME NOT YOU. I don't want nor do I need you to vulgarly comment on them, this isn't me asking for attention from you. Because with things like this, you are just validating my point that a lot of what society focuses on today is outward appearance/beauty. When as the old saying goes, it's truly what is on the inside that counts. You could physically be the best-looking person out there but have poor character. Which at least for me is an instant turn off, both platonic and romance wise. I’ve said it once, and I'll say it 1,000 times more but it really isn't hard to be a good person-yet people act like it is the most difficult thing in the world to do today.
As I write this, not only am I sipping on some coffee while I listen to Taylor Swift on vinyl; but I can confidently say that I am in a happy and healthy relationship…
With myself :)
I am at the point in my life where I am purposely choosing to work on myself. If a romantic relationship happens to come along the way - awesome. If not, that is just as awesome. I won't go out searching for one, but if it finds me along the way then obviously it was meant to, whether it fully works out in the end or not.
Recently, I had this conversation with a close friend of mine; and we are both on the same page of our lives where we are trying to find a place in which we are content. To build those genuine relationships with people, and to see where they go from there. Ultimately this is what I’m talking about, and hope that it is something that everyone at some point can thrive for. Again I know it can be hard, but try not to let yourself be blinded and distracted by what is on the outside. Focus your time and energy on getting to know someone for who they are. Genuine relationships are truly beautiful things, and I hope that you all get to experience them; whether they be platonic or romantic. Regardless of which they are though, I challenge you to fall for the person's roots and not their flowers. You may be pleasantly surprised by what you may find.
And I know that we all have different ways in which we go about relationships, and frankly just life in general. That’s ok. We are all unique in our own way and are on our own timelines which is amazing. We are all at different points in our lives and have different interests and views. And I am not here telling anyone what to do, I am here simply sharing what I have and will continue to do personally, and if someone can relate to my story and it helps them, then that's awesome!
We’re all at different seasons in our lives. Do whatever you wish, and live in a way that makes you happy :)
This is my current season, and after all the turmoil that I went through I can finally say that I am indeed happy with where I am at.
Till Next Time my Friends.
<3
-T
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