Enough

Be intentional with who and what you carry into 2022

This is a simple, yet straightforward and powerful message that has stuck with me.

Humankind has a wide variety of habits - and these habits play a puzzle piece in the complex game of what makes us human and help to shape us into who we are and who we will become. One of my major flaws is giving the benefit of the doubt. I tend to do this more times than not, especially to those who have caused me pain before - and oftentimes over and over again I give people a thousand chances. Nine hundred and ninety-nine more times to hurt me and leave me broken and shattered on the floor like a broken picture frame - holding onto the happier times yet left as a mess to clean up. And just like the broom that picks up those shards, I sweep the pain away and put myself back up against the door - ready to be used again. I know that my love should be celebrated yet time and time again I allow for it to be tolerated. Call it the people pleaser in me. I am always looking out for others more than I am looking after myself. I put my needs and my feelings on the back burner so that I can be there for others and ensure that they are happy and alright - even when I may not be. Don’t get me wrong - I love being able to be there for those that I care about - but at the same time I also need to be there for myself - and I haven’t been as much as I should be.

Self-care is self-less. And no I am not talking about a spa night with a glass of wine - although those are amazinnggg (treat yourself). I am talking about caring for yourself and your own feelings. There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself and that is a fact that I am still learning to accept. You shouldn’t have to keep people in your life who keep guilt-tripping and manipulating you, and then play it off as if it was nothing. My life and my love is not a toy to be played with. It is something that is real and so damn strong and special that it should be valued and not tossed around like a hacky sack. They say that loving someone shouldn’t hurt you - yet it somehow keeps ending up that way.

I know that one of my mottos on here is that ‘you are enough’ and as much as I wholeheartedly believe that……life….well life is funny sometimes. Just when things start to be looking up, they come crashing down in the blink of an eye. There are very few instances in which I feel as if I have been left feeling completely and utterly shattered….but this has been one of them. I’ve lost people in my life before, cut ties with those who were toxic. Relationships that I knew were not good for me or my mental health..but none of them have ever hurt as bad as this one. It sucks not knowing or understanding where it all went wrong. What was the one second that everything took the turn for the worse? The ever-nagging questions haunt my head on multiple occasions throughout the day ‘did I not do enough?’ ‘was I not enough.’ enough. Enough. Enough. That's what I had had was enough. I couldn’t take the countless times of being left feeling like shit anymore. When it was good, it was good. I have so many amazing memories. But when it wasn’t, it was absolute hell….at least for me. If I didn't know any better you probably didn't even bat an eye, even though I would like to hope that you did. That you were somehow affected and hurt by it all just as I was. The number of times that I’ve picked up my phone over the last week and let my finger hover over the messages to you….wanting to tell you something…to reach out….but I didn’t… I couldn't.

My head and my heart both tell me two different things. An angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. My fingers frozen above my screen and my eyes locked, staring into the void and emptiness of your contact name and photo peering back at me. And I don't know if walking away…(like I know I should) is being strong or if it's the wrong thing. When I look back at my old journal entries, specifically the ones I would write after our downfalls the answer is right in front of me…simple and easy….yet it feels as if anything but. I have this map that will lead me directly to where I’m meant to go. A pirate after their gold. Happiness in my own independence. However my legs want to lead me astray, and take me off the path - regardless of my compass pointing me to the north - to the truth, I want to follow the lies. Why I continuously want to put myself back into this cycle that always ends up hurting me still boggles my mind. Maybe it's because I care so much. And with being known for being kind and caring comes a certain expectation that you will always be the one to seek out the other and work things out. It’s part of our cycle. I’ve always been the one to get through the awkwardness first and somehow get us back to where we were…or as close as we could be; and let me tell you this - it’s tiring. You get the easy way out and I get the short end of the stick. I’m the one left spending countless nights crying alone in my room. The one seemingly being gaslighted into believing that they were the one at fault when all I was trying to do was just communicate how I was feeling, and more specifically how you have been making me feel. And yet still the one who wants to apologize. Who wants to say they're sorry for being “overdramatic.” Who wants to fix and put back the pieces once again…… while those pieces may look like they fit from a quick glance - they are actually not meant to be together. You can't force something to fit together that isn't meant to be…no matter how hard you try…and that's something I have to learn to be ok with. Some days are better than others. I feel unstoppable and you don't pass my mind once. And others, I see something that reminds me of you and it caves me in, trapping me on all sides because I am reminded of what I have lost…once again. I know that it will get better in time. Heck, it did the first time. Maybe it’s because I hadn't seen you in over a year, out of sight out of reach and mind, right? Regardless of whether or not it was that, or my pure determination to focus on and better myself, I had finally come to terms with everything and then….well then the cycle, our cycle began all over again in the blink of an eye. It’s crazy how we went from strangers, then friends, to strangers again. I never thought you would hurt me…but you have … multiple times. And I never thought you would leave me…but you left….multiple times

I do this…time after time after time. I do all this shit for other people, and then I wake up and I'm empty… I have nothing. I put so much into relationships that don't put the same back out for me. And I'm not trying to place expectations on people…I’m really not. I learned that the hard way a while ago, and it still teaches me lessons to this day, to never expect anything of anyone….but when you aren’t being treated with kindness or respect, especially in certain situations, it speaks volumes. And as much as I wish to stay with you, to have you in my life still….I just don’t know if I can…at least not yet…..it’s a lot easier, especially from far away but when are face to face all I see is a stranger I once knew…someone that holds so much history and good memories…but also someone that I don't know if I can trust anymore…it’s almost as if pointing at stars in the sky that have already died….already knowing the ending to a film because you’ve seen it before.

It was nice while it lasted though…right?

Yeah….it was.

Taylor Swift said it best with the metaphor behind her song mirrorball.

A disco ball is full of thousands of reflective surfaces. Each one is different and unique in its own way. Small and broken little pieces yet they create and give out a thousand different rays of light. They are fragile but beautiful and provide a lot of light and happiness to everyone around them.

That’s what I feel like sometimes…. An object that others may keep at their disposal, and me ready to put on a show and please them…. That's where the brokenness comes in. But within the brokenness is also beauty (which I’ve talked about on here before) and while at times I may feel as if I am not enough, or that I didn’t do enough…..at the end of the day I am. I am enough. And I will keep shining my light.

I'm just going to be more selective on who gets the brightest parts of me.

Til next week <3

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