While these last few weeks have been more on the fun and light-hearted side, it’s time to get back to things a little more serious. With this current month concluding spooky season, I figured now was as good a time as anyways to get a little bit dark. Fear. Otherwise known as the mind-killer. It is the little-death that brings total obliteration. It’s what stops us from going after what we want. It holds us back and attempts to drown us and our spirits. We can have fear of anything or anyone, from certain animals to situational occurrences such as claustrophobia. While I do hold some of the phobias that most others do, such as heights and snakes. I also have some that I feel like are more directed just towards me and my life. I have always talked about being totally open, honest, and vulnerable on here - and today is no different. Here you will get a look inside of my mind and maybe some of you will actually relate to them. Regardless of whether or not you do, just remember that your fears and phobias are completely validated. And if anyone tries to tell you differently, then they are in the wrong. You should never judge someone for who they are, what they like, or what they have experienced. We all have a reason as to why we are terrified of specific things and high chances are these people don’t know what we have been through and why we are scared.
Personally, I rarely talk about my fears….or at least these ones as I try to keep everything on the happier and lighter side in life. To me, these situations and thoughts can hold so much power and loom an incredible amount of darkness over me from time to time. The few that have seen me break down over them in the past know this. But the thing about fear is, while yes it can corrupt our minds, we can also overcome it as well. As you all know, writing has always been my way of letting things go. It allows me to get everything off of my chest, and yeah it may not completely lift the weight off of my shoulders one hundred percent, but there is definitely a vast difference. I have never written about my fears, at least in this retrospect. I constantly talk about my experience with things and how they left me feeling, but have never gone much deeper than that. Until now. It’s time to let it out and let it go. Like a match unto a flame, it is time to set it free. And maybe, just maybe with this newfound freedom for the words, I will feel a bit of the freedom as well. Without further ado, let’s get into it, shall we.
Fear of Losing Someone I Love
Otherwise known as thanatophobia.
This one I have opened up to very few about. And while it is not one that attacks my mind as often, it is still prominent. Growing up a lot of my friends had younger aged family members. Whether it be grandparents, parents, etc. Because of this, I saw them mature and develop with theirs, while mine were unfortunately taken away. I know this is a part of life and I accept that I do, but it doesn’t make the loss sting any less if that makes sense. Graduations, birthdays, first dates, weddings, baby showers...the list could go on of things that some of the most important people in my life won’t get to physically be a part of.
I lost all my grandparents at a young age, the one hitting the hardest being my grandmother Paula who lived with my family and I. Going into my last year of elementary school she sadly had some complications with recent surgery and did not survive the night after an emergency rush to the hospital. I think one of the things that hurt the most with her passing...was that I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Heck, I don’t even remember what the last thing that I said to her was. But what I do remember though is her laugh, her love for butterflies and Christmas, and the way she would always smile. To this day I still have the last gift that she ever gave me. A high school musical jacket that of course undoubtedly does not fit me anymore, but I can’t find it in me to part ways with it. I think losing her at such a young age, has been a factor behind this fear. Everything was going perfectly fine one day, and then all of a sudden the next it was the exact opposite. It goes to show that you never truly know what is going to happen. Our time on this earth isn’t permanent. It could end at any time. And I think that is what scares me the most. The unknowingness of it all. I mean, of course, I don’t want to have that knowledge, but when it comes to me and my mindset, I am now worried about other family members and loved ones...specifically my parents.
While many of my friends have parents who are still currently in their fifties, mine are a little bit older than that. And the thought of currently being twenty-four and having no relationship in sight worries me. It is the thought of ‘what if I don’t find someone? What if my parents don't get to attend my wedding? What if my children don't get to meet their grandparents?” I know these are all thoughts that I should not be having...but I am. To think about potentially not having my dad walk me down the aisle or to have a father-daughter dance breaks my heart. For my mom to not take me wedding dress shopping and give me tips on how to raise kids. I want my significant other to be able to meet the two most amazing people in my life, and for my children to have the coolest grandparents ever. And vice versa. Is it selfish of me to want and hope for these things? Maybe it is. But let’s be honest and real here, for the most part, this is something that a good amount of people hope for as well. I can't be the only one.....right?
Even just sitting here writing about this has me emotional...as mentioned it's something that when I talk about it I break down. My parents are the people who I love and look up to most on this planet and the thought of not having them with me through it all shatters my heart. I know it is something that is inevitable, none of us are meant to live for forever...our books of life must all come to a close at some point but I would be lying if I said I didn't wish that I could write the chapters for certain portions of mine...specifically this one. However, God is my author and there is no one that I would rather have the pen in hand. Even if at times I am challenged and broken (like I have been); he will build me back up (like he has before).
2. Fear of Not Being Good Enough
Otherwise known as atelophobia.
While my fear of losing loved ones hits a more emotional nerve for me, it is this one that tends to harm me more.
From being turned down, to let down, and even put down. This to me is where my fear has stemmed from. I know I always talk about how there is no such thing as perfection, and how we shouldn’t strive for an ideal that society has implemented. However, in my own mind, I have this specific concept. One that I want to try and uphold. It’s honestly something that I shouldn’t have. But the mind is a powerful thing, and even when I try not to go back to it-it is still there lurking in the shadows waiting to capture and control me.
You ever worry about how what you are doing may not seem ok, or acceptable, and in retrospect is completely wrong? I for one battle with this when it comes to communication tasks….which ironically is coming from a communication major. Talking to strangers or a classroom? No problem. Talking to people I know? Hi, shit show Tessa coming in, all aboard the train if you’re ready for a wreck lol. From writing responses to texts, emails, Snapchats, tweets - I could go on lol; chances are I most likely am overthinking what I am going to say. Of course with those, I am closest to such as family members and best friends I deal with this less often, but there are still the instances in which I say something and immediately am like why did I do that? And then just like racquetball, my thought process begins to bounce everywhere.
While over the last year my atelophobia has definitely gotten better, I still find myself wanting to be that people pleaser that I have always been. I hate knowing that I may or could have potentially offended or hurt someone. Did I say the wrong thing? Were they expecting a different answer? Are they upset with me now? These are just a few of the questions that race through my mind. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work, and communicating is no different. Again, I know perfection is impossible to obtain in any aspect..it’s something that everyone has a different view and opinion on. So why am I still here striving for my own ideal of it? Why not switch the ideal and turn it into “no matter what, I am good enough”. I’m trying and that is what should count right? We all make mistakes, it’s a part of being human. And for all I know half these things that I claim are mistakes are just my over-thinking nature kicking in and feeding me lies.
One thing that I will admit is when it comes to romantic relationships, or the potential of them, I feel as if this whole thought process and phobia kicks in a lot more. I know that I deserve someone who will give me an equal amount of time and effort that I put in, yet why do I keep putting myself into situations where they don’t? I tell myself I need to walk away...yet I can’t. Every time I am about to, it’s like they read my mind and come in with the attention and interest that I have been wanting them to give to me, and then I’m like a freaking fish being reeled right back in falling for their bate trap once again. I know that I deserve so much more and so much better. Yet here I am so stuck on talking to people who do not deserve my time or energy, but I continue to give them way too much of it anyway.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t care if someone doesn’t like me, but at the same time, I want people to like me. Confusing but relatable? Again, it’s the whole people pleaser depiction. I am constantly wanting to make others happy, even if it’s something that doesn’t necessarily make me happy. And I keep putting myself into these situations for what? A meer five minutes of attention from a guy that is talking to multiple other girls? It makes him happy when I talk to him so that’s good right? But yet here I am laying in my bed, staring at my ceiling after our most recent conversation and overplaying how they only hit me up when they need a sexual desire fulfilled instead of getting to know me as an actual person. Clearly, as a person, I’m just not good enough right? They only want me for my body and not my sustenance. While that last part may be true, the first statement isn’t. I am more than good enough. And if they fail to see that then that is their own fault. Just as much as it is mine for continuously putting myself into the same situation over and over again. Yeah, maybe I’m not right for them in a relationship aspect, and I need to learn to acknowledge that that doesn’t mean that I am not good enough in general.
And Why is good enough not seen as a sufficient outcome anyways And instead is seen as a sign of failure? One word: recognition. And recognition is something that no one ever wants to willingly admit to. It’s something that people are often too stubborn to do anyway. As humans, we would rather hold onto our pride than admit that we are wrong. But here I am doing just that. I know that it is wrong to think that I am not good enough when I in fact am. I preach confidence and self-love left and right, So why am I here talking about self-doubt? Because no matter how much self-love someone has Anxiety can still be a thing. Fear can creep into the mind at any given time.
Back to the idea of perfection...again no one is perfect. Now while I do currently love myself more than I ever have, and have finally gained my confidence back this last year - I do still suffer from anxiety and fearful thoughts. It’s a part of being human. And like I have said a thousand times before, even the happiest of people can still struggle. Anxiety isn’t a thing that just goes away in the blink of an eye. It's something that follows you around like a shadow waiting to swoop in and steal your happiness if it can.
Too many times have I allowed these self-inflicting thoughts to get the best of me. And it is now that I set them free. After writing about them I will admit that I already do feel a bit of their weight off of my shoulders.
While this will be an ongoing battle, it is one that I know God will hold my hand through.
I've got this. You've got this. We've got this.
"I wanna be defined by the things that I love
Not the things I hate
Not the things I'm afraid of,
The things that haunt me in the middle of the night.” - T.S
Till next week my friends.
Stay happy. Stay Healthy. Stay Safe.
T <3
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