It’s been seven months...seven months since I shared with you all a story that at the time I never thought I would open up about. And after countless months full of endless days in tears, sometimes barely even having the strength to get out of bed and plaster on a smile for work-I chose to open up.
At first, I was incredibly nervous. Everyone who knew me viewed me as the bubbly - always smiling girl - and this story was anything but happy. It’s hard to be vulnerable when you are used to being the exact opposite. From going to never opening up before to sharing your deepest and darkest fears and experiences. I have always been a very private person. It takes a lot to earn my trust. But this is something that, even though I did keep it locked away for some time, I couldn’t just sit back and hold onto anymore. What I went through, millions of other individuals have unfortunately as well. And as I sit here today writing this week’s post, it has now been exactly one year - to the dot - since that fateful day that frankly changed my life.
Two words
Multiple Actions
One thing that you always hear about, but never in a million years think will happen to you
Sexual Assault.
Some of you may have read my previous post touching on this subject. Honestly, even hundreds of days later - it is still one of my (although hardest to write, and actually post) favorite pieces that I have ever done; and the one that I am most proud of. ( For those who are newer to my site, if you would like to read that post https://www.heresthet.com/post/darkness-to-light) After months of reflection and healing, I was able to find myself again and although it was no easy feat - it was one that was worth every last ounce of effort that it took. I used to dread each day, afraid of the nightmares that would take place in my head - replaying the events over and over again. No matter what I did it kept coming back to haunt me - I couldn’t escape. It heightened my anxiety, and before I knew it I was spiraling downwards into a pit of darkness. My own body had been broken into and tainted with against my will. He took the one thing that was mine and used it for himself and his own pleasure. Turning this happy go lucky girl against her own self.
For months on end, I gave him the power.
I didn’t want him to have that control - however, the mind is an incredibly powerful thing. And at the time, despite all my efforts - it was the darkness that kept winning. Everyday a constant game of tug of war would take place in my head, and while at the beginning I kept being the one that was dragged through the pit of hells - it made me stronger, and then one day I finally came out on top. I don’t really know how or when, but it was finally like the switch went off in my brain that I was over this shit. Tired of painting on a fake smile when really all I wanted to do was roll up in a ball and cry. Tired of having to act strong when I was in truth falling apart at the seams. Tired of not being the one in control of my life and my happiness. And it was then that my road to healing officially began.
Even now, six months later since I shared my story with you all, and one year since it all happened - I still feel the same way; in fact, I feel even better and stronger. As shitty as everything was, ultimately it was the forgiveness that really helped to set me free. It took a lot in me to forgive him for such a horrible and dehumanizing act - but without the forgiveness, I honestly don’t think that I would be where I am today. If I held onto that resentment I could still be swallowed by the sea of negativity and darkness most likely. Now don’t get me wrong forgiveness doesn’t forgive their actions, but it does stop them from destroying our hearts. By choosing to forgive those who hurt us, we are choosing to not allow what they did to us to have the potential power to hurt and ruin us more than it did when the action took place, or to taint our future experiences of life. For a while, my worth was taken away. My privacy. My energy. My time. My safety. My intimacy. My confidence. And my own voice. But no more. Because of the healing process that I found I was able to move forward - and still continue to do so each day. I really hope that my perpetrator has been able to do the same as well. To reflect on his choices, and to feel that remorse. I pray that he found the light and now is living a better life. One full of respect, kindness, and love.
And to those who have gone through the same dehumanizing act of sexual assault like I have, please know that you are not alone. You are not just a statistic. You are worth far more than a number. You are a survivor. And please remember that it’s ok to not be ok. There is no time stamp on trauma. It could take a few days, or it could take a few years. Take however long you need to work through it all. I know that it is a lot to handle and process. And please know that your trauma is valid. There will be people that will try to tell you otherwise. Whether they be outsiders or individuals that you considered close. They will try to play the blame game and place the spinner on you. They will try to say that there are people who have experienced “worse”. That it “could have been avoided”. Even if it happened yesterday or years ago. Even if nobody knows. You and your trauma are real and if you wanna talk about it, you more than deserve a place to do so. It isn’t desperate or attention-seeking (although some may unfortunately and disrespectfully try to say otherwise). Your pain, experience, and healing matter. And more importantly, you matter. Your trauma doesn’t define you either. You are not what happened to you, you are how you overcome it. Please do not ever let an experience characterize who you are or who you become. Yes, each situation we go through plays a role in the shaping of us - but don’t ever let it be the defining factor. You are worth so much damn more than that. Our most painful storms can turn into our greatest victories. Search for and be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Be the flower that blooms unlike any other. The storm may help form us, but ultimately we come out on the other side as a stronger and changed individual and in turn, we find our true treasure - ourselves.
I know it is easier said than done to take back our own lives. To overcome the battle that our mind loves to hold with us. But if I stay true to any one thing, it’s that the day you break through that barrier - is the day that your life will truly start to change for the better. Turn the negative into a positive. Use it to build yourself for the better. Put the focus back on yourself and regain power. I know for myself I always used to dread the nineteenth of every month. Waking up with tears in my eyes already before even starting the day. While that went on for a few months, I now look back on that day and honestly feel nothing but pride. I was able to overcome a horrific experience. One that at the time, I honestly didn’t think I ever would. And you can overcome it too. As I said, it may take some time but it will happen for you. I hope and pray that anyone who goes through something like this can one day move forward and use their day as one of joy and growth rather than one of remorse and fear. It’s ok to be changed by what happens to us, but we should refuse to be reduced by it.
And if you ever choose to share your story, please know that you are setting the world on fire with your truth. You never know who may need to see your light and hear your words of courage.
No one is ever alone. Not even you <3
Till Next time.
Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay Safe.
You are all amazing. Strong. And loved.
T <3
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