The sound of a thousand pieces of glass shattering. Each one piercing a different part of me. The feeling of being out at sea. Basking in the calmness of crystal clear waters, smoothly sailing - only to blink and the waters become rough; the storm trying to swallow you whole.
One moment ill be fine. Smiling. Laughing.
The next tears streaming down my face, struggling to catch my breath. Most of the time I do this in silence though. It’s rare occasions that I let them fall in front of others. I try my hardest to put on my best joker smile, hiding the pain and sadness that I’m feeling within. My silent battle with my own thoughts, heart, and self.
Even the most simple mundane tasks are hard when you wake up already trying to catch your breath from the drowning that you experienced the day before. Like a baby learning to take their first steps, you're trying to figure out how to live life. Trying not to give into the darkness that can quickly seep in. To no longer try. So sick of the war that's happening inside. Longing for and missing the days when your heart felt lighter and everything was easier.
Heartbreak. Anxiety. Depression. Holding each other's hands as I put on my boxing gloves to try and fend them off.
I’ll admit, these last two months - especially May - was not the easiest. The last time we were all gathered here I opened up about a ship that I was in. I didn't want to call it a situationship because to me - at least at the time- it didn't feel that way. But now looking back on it I am gonna call it what it was. Maybe I was just too stupid or blind to notice it at the time. Ironically, still, the best I have ever been treated by a man…sad I know - but it's true. Which I think is why I took it so hard when it did end - and to this day there are still times when it affects me.
The day the castle came crumbling down I cried. A LOT. Like so many tears that I probably could have filled up my own ravine. I drank wine and let all my feelings out to taylor swift’s red album (very on-brand for me). Saw Lewis Capaldi the day after and that was another cry fest. In the days following the sadness would come and go. More often times than not - it would stick with me like my own shadow. I would sulk and fester in private but in public, I would paint on my best smile - so good, Picasso was probably rolling in his grave over jealousy. Going about my everyday motions but feeling like a zombie, and I was doing pretty well at it…until I wasn't. The happiness that used to be brought upon when seeing them instead was anxiety. My heart beating a thousand miles an hour. Struggling to catch my breath after and either giving myself a pat on the back for making it through - or mentally slapping myself as I spiral down my overthinking staircase because it just felt awkward and weird. At the few weeks mark everything seemed to be looking up. Would talk here and there - trying to still maintain that friendship that we said we wouldn't lose…but life is full of lies. People will tell you what you want to hear but not stick true to their words. And it was at the month mark that I finally came to terms with the fact that that is what it was…all a lie. They moved on in less than a month, and here I was still trying to real myself back in. The feeling of always being the girl before THE girl. Fuck that. I deserve happiness too. And I was determined to find it. Now don't get me wrong, I’m happy he’s happy. Genuinely. When it comes down to it - that's all I want is for him to be happy. And while there is still so much I want to say - I instead wish him the best. If this person brings him that happiness then that's enough for me (I'll always care about them and their well-being, it's just who I am.) Yeah, it's sucky that it was so quick and it wasn't with me - but that's life and heartbreak for ya. It's ruthless. But there is beauty in its ugliness. As unfortunate as it is to go through it - in the end it makes us stronger. Yeah, the steps to get there may not be the best (lots of tears and tissues) but once you rise up out of the funk it's one of the greatest feelings ever. To start enjoying the simple things in life again and reigniting passions for things you maybe forgot about.
I’ve been focusing on myself a lot more and doing things that make ME happy. I’ve been going to the beach and relaxing by the pool. Basking in vitamin D and the serotonin that it provides me. I said “Treat yourself” and bought a Kindle (Obsessed is an understatement) and have been blowing through books left and right. I’ve gone down to San Diego and spent the last two weekends with my family (which is everything I needed and more). Going to concerts and traveling and just surrounding myself with the absolute most incredible people. I’ve worked my ass off for the last few summers (and while I will this one too cuz money lol) I am actually taking the time to enjoy it too. In years past I have let it fly by but this year I am taking it by the reigns. And honestly just taking my life back in my hands. I know there are still going to be the sad moments - heck, I had one the other day - and most likely will tonight too (I'm specifically scheduling this one for 9 pm pst when Speak Now Taylors Version comes out). Healing is a continuous journey, it's a process with no definitive time frame and that's ok. There will always be good and bad days. Overwhelming days, and too tired days. I’m awesome days and I can't go days - and guess what, every day you’ll still show up :)
And if you need help showing up, my hand is right here for you to hold <3
Let's do this together.
Till next time.
T <3
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