Hello everyone, I hope you have all had a fantastic last week.
As you guys know, here I am all about being open, honest, and vulnerable; and I will admit that this last week has been a bit shitty.
I said see ya later to one of my best friends on Friday evening and it was one of the hardest things that I have had to do in a while (i know you’re reading this girlie lol hiiiiii I love you). I legit cried the whole way home (no exaggeration lol). And when I say cried….I full-on bawled lol. Definition of a straight-up hot mess right here. Although, as sad as I was that night, some of my friends definitely helped turn it around and bring a smile back to my face. And for that, I am forever grateful.
As hard as Friday was, it was the three following days that really threw me in for a loop.
For some reason, I just felt off. The weekend wasn’t that bad, but Monday was a walking and living hell. I won’t sugar coat it either.
Do you know those days where you just feel trapped in your own body?
The ones where you just feel like another drop of water in the vast ocean. Like a zombie, numbly walking around. Stuck in your own skin. Frozen and grasping so tightly on the want to break down, but you are too exhausted to even do that.
Yeah, it was one of those days. I woke up and knew that I was gonna be in for it.
I am normally such a positive and talkative person and I was the straight-up exact opposite. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone for a vast majority of the day and basically wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. But couldn’t….
I haven’t felt that way in quite a while, at least that strongly, and it definitely threw me in for a loop. I had plans for that day and had to move them because I physically simply was not capable of doing anything. I didn’t have the energy in me to put on that fake smile; the one that at times I have grown so accustomed to wearing that it has become like a second skin to me. Something that I can just easily put on and switch on and off like a light switch. For those who have been around since the beginning of this site, or for those who have caught up and read all my posts - you may remember how I talked about the beginning of my battle with anxiety. In that article, I had mentioned how some days I felt like the joker, walking around with a smile painted on my face while inside I was anything but happy. I was struggling. That still rings true to this day. I will admit, my anxiety has not been nearly as bad as it has been in the past. I don’t get attacks as often as I used to. But when I do, I feel as if they come at me full force. Ten times harder than before. It’s like those battle robots, the sock em ones, and I’m the one that keeps getting the beating. Unable to get back up, just taking punch after punch as if it's what I want when really it's the exact opposite. I want to get up. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to be ok.
It’s ironic that as I write this I’m listening to ‘The Cab’ (one of my favorite bands) and I hear the lyrics ``waking up just brings me down…half empty not half full. I would rather live with broken bones than lay here all on my own''. For those who know this song, you may know that it’s about being in love with another individual, but the lyrics non the less, at least to me, can speak about anxiety. I mean here I am, again I am going to be completely honest, writing this and I’m not gonna lie, I do wanna break down, and am a bit. Have you ever been in the situation where you want and need to cry, like you just know that a fantastic cry will make you just feel a million times better, but you can’t seem to find the inner strength to do it? That is currently me. My eyes are glistening but a tear has yet to fall down my face, even though that’s all I really want and need right now. I am like a volcano waiting to explode but poooooof nothing except air.
Before tonight I didn’t know what I was gonna talk about this week. I was looking through my google doc that is full of possible topic options and trying to decipher what I wanted to shed the spotlight on. But it was clear when earlier today I was talking to a fairly recent close friend of mine and we were opening up about our experiences with anxiety and the toughest times in our lives and it was then and there that I knew what I was going to talk about. I had not dived into my personal battle with anxiety, and how I cope with it in quite a bit, and recently another close friend of mine had asked me how I dealt with anxiety and kept up my mental state in this quarantine. First things first, it is not easy lol. Nothing is. It's more of a battle than before, at least for me, because my mind has more opportunities to wander. For those who have dealt with anxiety, you know how easily your brain can create different scenarios. One second it could be picture perfect-every hope and dream that you had ever wished for coming true, right before your eyes; while others could be your worst absolute nightmares dragging you under till you are totally and completely engulfed in the darkness with almost to none ways to escape. Trying to get to the surface but it's as if you just keep getting pulled deeper and deeper until the darkness becomes a part of you. Almost as if it’s your shadow, following you everywhere you go’ like peter pan. You do everything you can to sow it back to your feet and ensure that it stays a part of you, you have just grown so accustomed to it, but inside you really just want to let it all free. You don't want the darkness to follow you everywhere. You don’t want it to be a part of you anymore. Or at least a part of your present. You want it to be a part of your past. To use it as a life and learning lesson. To grow from it. But you don’t want it to continue to follow you and reel you in like a fishing pole with bait on it. The bait that you so easily but so stupidly and blindly grab, with zero repercussions to it. Not even giving a second chance or opinion to. You just go for it because you are so hungry for any sort of attention….
Yes, I know that this is shots fired at myself. And as crappy as it can be to address and acknowledge our flaws, I am more than ok with it. I know that I am not perfect. Heck, none of us are. We all have our flaws. And as I have talked about before, I think it’s our flaws that truly make us beautiful. But it is also our flaws that make us human. We so easily relate to one another because of our flaws. No one lives a ‘picture perfect’ life. And if they do, please point them out and in my direction, because I would love to know how they do it and how they handle it. The flaws are our puzzle pieces to one another. They are what connect us to every other individual. If today has taught me anything, it's that we are NOT alone. Even when we think we are. You never truly know what someone else is going through. Even the most positive and happy people could really be struggling. For instance… I have never opened up about this to anyone...besides my sister..and even then, that was for a split second, but I have thought about just ending it all before. I remember losing it my car, tears streaming down my face so fast it was like a freaking damn shattered...kinda like how my heart felt in that instant. I had never before ever had thoughts like that, and the fact that I just did I believe affected me more than the thought itself. I was down. I was ashamed. This was the complete opposite of who I was. People would never think in a million years that I would have thoughts like that. I never thought I would. But that's the thing with anxiety. It can take even the bubbliest and most happy people and turn them inside out. We become turtles just wanting to hide in our shells. We can be surrounded by a sea of people, but still, feel all alone. All the while though also silently screaming for anyone to notice how we are truly feeling. To be asked three words that we hate but at the same time also want to hear - ‘are you ok?’
For those that don’t know, this month is not only Suicide Awareness Month, but today is also World Suicide Prevention Day . Although I have only thought about it for a little bit here and there, there are people all over the world - and even people that I am close with - that think about this on a daily basis. This is no light and easy topic. And I know some of you may love the more fun and light-hearted articles, but you also know that I am all about being transparent here. I want to break down the stigmas that society has placed and engrained in our minds. Especially those regarding mental health and body image. And while this may be a shock for some, especially for those who know me - as this is exactly the opposite of who I am and try to be on a daily basis; it just goes to show that again, you never ever know what someone else could be going through. There were those times when I had thought about self-harm. And although I never acted upon said thoughts, it still didn’t diminish the idea of them. I wasn’t prepared to think like that, but honestly is anyone really ever prepared for those thoughts. They sneak their way into your mind like an inchworm just weazling its way step by step. Sucking onto you like a leech, draining you. And before you know it, you are engulfed in negativity and don’t know how to find your way out. Even if you are one of the most positive individuals, negativity can still get to you. No one is invincible to it. You can see the light, yet you don’t know how to grasp and get into it. It’s as if it is within your reach, but when you reach your hand out, it drifts farther away from you. You can almost touch it, but you can not grab a hold of it. You feel it in your hands, as warm as the sunshine. But when you go to close your hands and fully hold it, it disappears as if it was never there in the first place. It’s a tough pill to swallow, one that you have to force yourself to do so, but you do it anyway. You know it will be ok eventually. Right? And while right now it may not seem that way, and may not be that time, it should be soon…. Right? Or so that’s what you keep telling yourself. Whether it’s true or a large blatant lie. After all, that’s what anxiety feels like, isn’t it? Just one giant black hole that sucks you in and feeds you lie after lie until you believe it to be the whole truth.
Regardless of this black hole though, and the lies that anxiety can and will feed you, there is one truth. Everything will be ok.
I recently came by a quote that has quickly become one of my favorites: “it will all be ok in the end. And if it isn’t, then it's not the end.”
I know from experience, that there are days that can feel as if they are the last. Ones where you give your every last ounce of energy and just hope for the best. And then there are days that feel like absolute bliss, simple and complete utter happiness all around. There really isn’t any in-between. It’s one or the other. With anxiety there unfortunately is such a thing as temporary bliss. You can be having the time of your life, laughing so much your stomach hurts one moment, but then the next - before you know it, the gloom creeps in and takes over your clear blue sky without a second thought. Like a luminous cloud stepping into the role of control in the blink of an eye. Picture an anchor being tied to your ankle, and to me (at least) that is a near-perfect example of what anxiety can feel like. It can either sit there on top of the boat and just go along for the ride. Or it can be dropped down into the ocean to hold you down and trap you. Some days can be the absolute worst, where I just want to curl up under a giant blanket and become a human burrito while I cuddle my baby Yoda pillow. Scream from a mountain top and just let it all out. There are also days where I want to go out into the world - the days where I am one hundred percent authentically myself. To go out and make memories, to laugh, and to be there for others. To love them, and share my story. To show them that even though they may feel as if they are alone, they are the exact opposite.
From the outside, it is easy to assume that other individuals could live a picture-perfect life. One that has everything you could ever hope and dream for. But you know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of you and me. And while from the outside it could seem like its something that you have always wanted; that's all you are seeing - the outside. You are only getting access to what they choose to share with others; but once you get that inside in-depth view, you may realize it is actually everything you didn’t. Never judge a book by its cover friends. Yes, a cover may be pretty, and provide you with a captivating summary, one that may immediately draw you in. But you know what it won't provide you with? It won't provide you with the whole page to page outline. And at least, in my opinion, it is the full story that truly makes the person. Every part is important, but it is when the chapters are connected and intertwined that the story begins to come together. Yeah, at the time it may seem like a messed up and shitty story. But it is the raw moments and the flaws that we hold and acquire that ultimately make us into who we are. The highs and the lows together. I want to be able to look back through my pages and see just how far I have come.
There are always gonna be good days, and there are always gonna be bad days. It’s how we handle these days that really matters. Will, we let them get the best of us? Or will we conquer them and show them who's boss?
Regardless of what route you choose, just know that each takes strength and courage. With both ways comes accountability. You are acknowledging that there is in fact something going on, but sometimes you just aren’t in the mood or have the energy to deal with it at that exact moment; and that is more than ok. It is ok to not be ok ya’ll. I know that society likes to engrain in our minds that it isn’t, but that couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth. Not every day of our lives is going to be amazing. If so, our lives would be rather dull. It is these trials that ultimately make us who we are when it comes down to our cores. They build our roots and go to show us just how strong we are and can be.
I know that I didn't fully answer the question at hand, regarding how I personally keep up my mental state in quarantine. But the real answer is that there is no real answer. Everyone deals with anxiety differently. And while I have had both my good days and my bad days throughout this quarantine, regardless of what kind of day it is I try to at least find one good thing. Even on my worst days, I could point out a positive moment.
Every day may not be good, but there is some good in every day.
Try your best to surround yourself with your favorite things, and favorite people. To me, that helps immensely. Wear the oversized t that shows just how much you have loved it over the years, light that scented candle that you have bought five of, cuddle up in your blanket that could fit seven, listen to your favorite music, talk to your close friends. These are some of the things that helped get me through my last attack. And at the end of the day, I was finally beginning to feel like myself again.
I love y'all, and please know that whatever you are going through - you are not alone. The other day taught me that yet again. Even the happiest, all smiles on social media, people that you know are secretly struggling. But you know what? We’ve all got this <3. We are going to kick ass. Today may not be that day. Maybe you need a rest, and that is more than ok. But please please please remember that you are an amazing and strong individual. And although it may not seem like it's ok right now, one day it will be <3
Think of it this way; so far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days.
And if you need someone to talk to. I am here for you.
Your mind matters.
YOU matter.
Stay happy. Stay healthy, stay safe friends.
And remember...you are doing great - kick some ass ;)
<3 - Tessa
Resources
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or text NAMI to 741-741
Counselor Crisis Text Line: text CONNECT to 741-741
Trevor Project Lifeline for LGBTQ: 1-866-488-7386
I Don't Mind - https://idontmind.com/
If interested in the sweatshirt I am wearing, it is through this brand and company. They are all about promoting breaking the stigma behind talking about mental health <3
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