These last few weeks I have looked at this once empty page thousands of times. Late nights staying up till three in the morning. Wrote words and erased them on countless occasions. Not knowing how to voice how I was feeling. So many things that I wanted to say. To scream and yell, to tell you off or to tell you thanks….
It’s a bit strangely poetic don't ya think? To feel like you’re drowning in the one thing that you also find peace.
For me, that's the beach and the vast ocean.
The sensation of the sand beneath my toes, the smell of the salty air, and the sound of the waves hitting the shore one after the other.
It’s that shore though, that also makes me feel unsure.
How something can go from being so beautiful and calming to rocky and catastrophic the next. It can exist largely unchanged for centuries yet also change in the blink of an eye...just like life.
You can go from floating to being dragged under with nothing surrounding you but darkness. Fear, pain, and sadness engulfing you from every direction. People all around you telling you to think with that thing in your head and not in your chest, when it’s the thoughts within your head that are grasping your neck. Their hands so tightly wrapped around you that you struggle to catch even the simplest and smallest of breaths. And when you do it's through a tear-streaked face and shaking body. The water these last few weeks just kept rising and It came to the point that I was beginning to feel too tired to swim. My lungs working on overdrive just to try and get me another second by. I pulled the joker facade that I have come to know all too well and went about my everyday life pretending that everything was alright. I would show up to work with a smile plastered across my face while inside it was taking every last ounce of my energy to not break down and cry. I will admit work provided a great distraction, it has kept me busy and my mind off of it for the most part - but it just takes those few seconds for that crippling doubt to sneak its way back in and to try and knock me right back down. And in those moments when my false front slipped, the pain it showed. I'm known for always being the smiling ball of energy, both amongst friends and coworkers and when I am anything but, it's oddly suspicious because it's just not like me. Of course, when asked about it I lie and say that everything is alright. That I'm just tired (which actually does ring true) or crack a joke that my caffeine hasn't kicked in yet- wanting to try and stay strong when In reality I know that as soon as I walk out those gates the truth will hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s like these last few weeks have just been one gigantic middle finger.
It boggles my mind how somebody can be such a huge part of your life for years and then ...just not be. Almost as if they never really were - and you are left wondering if it was all just a story that you played out in your head. Something that you wish was real but wasn't..except the aching pain that it was 100% tangible and that they did choose to leave, without even a word, proves that it wasn't just something you imagined. It's one of the rawest and toughest pills to swallow. Everywhere you look there is something that reminds you of them. A song. A piece of clothing. A photo..all of it concrete evidence that prompts a thousand different memories to come flooding back in all at once. You find yourself smiling for a quick brief second as you remember something that made you once feel completely and utterly happy...it still does in that instance, but it has now been tainted with a different kind of feeling as well. One of hurt, sadness, and pain intermixed with joy.
Normally I'm good with words, but as I sit here attempting to write this all out, I realize I am still trying to process everything that has happened. There's so much that I want to say but I can't seem to find the words to do so. Inside I am screaming from a mountain top and letting my echo carry through the wind, but on the outside, I am sitting still in my desk chair sipping a cup of coffee while my piano guys’ and Olivia Rodrigo playlists play in the background ever so lightly. Thinking over the irony of this whole situation. All the red flags that I ignored. All the times that I stood by you and was the one who ended up getting the blame and anger hurled towards. I stuck my neck out countless times, gave chance after chance. And yet no matter how many times I was the one who was hurt I still stayed. Because I cared. I cared immensely. I considered you family. And part of me does wish that you could have seen all the hurt gathered in my eyes when I realized that you had no heart so you used and stomped all over mine and my kindness. Played it to your own advantage. It was always one step forward and three steps with you. Your actions speaking much louder than your words, despite all the times that you said you cared - those words were being drowned out but what you were doing. And just like every other time I brushed it off and kept moving forward. I should have known then, If maybe just maybe I would have listened to that thought in the back of my head I could have saved myself a crap ton more hurt.
But everything happens for a reason, right? I may not know what that reason is right now, or why everything played out the way that it did - but what I do know is that everything will be ok. While these last few weeks it has seemed the opposite, my mental health at a major decline, as each day passes everything begins to get a little bit brighter. I thought...I hoped you would be in my life for a lot longer than you were, but some people just, unfortunately, aren't meant to be in our lives forever..some are just passing through to teach us a lesson. God doesn't give us the people that we want. He gives us the people that we need. To help us, to hurt us, love us, and leave us...to make us the person we are meant to be. And ironically just as we started drifting apart I had people come into my life that showed me that someone can be a better friend in just a few short months than another can be in years. It’s been a long time coming. I was just too blinded to see it at first. Instead of opening up my eyes to what was right in front of me, I fought. I tried to put in the effort for both of us. To save something that ultimately wasn't savable and left me with losing myself. I know that it can be incredibly painful, and I'm still working through that feeling personally, but I have to keep reminding myself that everything that is meant to happen has/will and that that was just another stepping stone into something better. Actions are louder than words, and through your actions, I have been shown that not everything is going to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Not everyone and everything is going to stay forever, and even when people leave we have to keep on going and thank them for what they did give us. Even though our memories together are now filled with not as much joy as they once were, I will still look back with a smile on the good times. Because when things were good they were damn good. You were one of my closest friends for a while and while I do wish that things worked out differently - it's ok that they didn't. It's ok that you chose to exit my life. And it's ok that I'm gonna let you go.
It takes a day to find a friend, a moment to lose them, and a lifetime to forget them. Friendship breakups aren't an easy thing to go through, to have someone become a stranger so quickly...At first, I thought about it and tried reaching out but it was no use. All it did was drain and hurt me more and I want to look forward not back. I always thought you were going to somehow be a part of my future, but now you will just be a memory from my past. And I truly do hope that you go on to live the life you’ve always dreamed of and that you find happiness in even the simplest of things - like a cup of coffee or bad joke like you always did. And that your infectious laugh will brighten many others days like it once did mine. Our puzzle pieces of life once fit together but now they could not be any more different, and it is time that we go our separate ways. Pictures were taken out of frames and replaced with new ones. Ready to keep my head up and push through. I know there are still going to be days where it gets to me, that's anxiety for ya - it creeps in. Can change a calm ocean into a stormy one real quick. But I am going to look forward to all that is to come and focus on the good. On what is holding me together rather than tearing me apart. I know that I’m not perfect either, nobody is, we all make not-so-great choices along the way but my choice for today is to get back to living. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, but getting back up is living.
I never wanted your sympathy, or for my love to be tolerated when it is something that I know should be celebrated. If my absence doesn't affect your life, then my presence had no meaning in it. And maybe I wasn't something to you, but I am everything to myself and that's what truly matters.
In the end, I may have lost you, but I found myself, and somehow that was everything.
T
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and please keep in mind that everyone you meet is fighting a battle that you don't know about. You can't tell what someone is going through just by looking at them. And for those who are going through tough battles right now, just because no one else can heal or do the inner work for you doesn't mean that you can, should, or need to go through it alone <3
Whatever it is that you are going through, does not define you. Your strength and courage do.
As Glenn Close said, mental health needs more sunlight, candor, and unashamed conversations.
We're all human, we all have feelings and process through everything differently. Why is it such a taboo topic to talk and be open about??
Your feelings are valid. You are valid. Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.
There is hope even when your brain tells you that there isn't <3
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