mirrorball

Well well well. Fancy seeing you all here. I hope that life has been treating you well recently… and if it hasn’t…hold on one sec, let me grab something real quick…..🖕

that's for you life.

To quote the iconic Megan Fox, “hold your head high and your middle finger higher.”

Life for myself has definitely been an interesting thing lately, that's for sure. It’s a bit ironic, as I write this I am looking back on my ‘enough’ article from march and am hit with the realization that while I heeded myself with a lot of advice, I really didn't follow it - or at least all that well…

I thought I was being intentional with people that I was carrying into the new year. I thought that I had chosen people that would be in my life for years to come (which I still have for most-hopefully). People that held the same morals and heart as I did. I believed that for quite a while actually, until reality - being the cruel bitch that she can sometimes be - slapped me in the face (on more than one occasion lol).

You know the nightmares that bolt you awake from surprise. Imagine that, but while conscious. One second you’re on a high laughing and having the time of your life and then all of a sudden a thousand pound weight is thrown onto your shoulders and it drags you down in a millisecond. You go from having no cares in the world to caring about every single minuscule thing. Almost as if a light switch was flipped. From light to pure darkness you go. All in the blink of an eye. Just like those nightmares, you are caught by surprise, and your eyes are opened to the cruel truth. Anxiety is seeping in. You don't know how to handle what is occurring, it was an instance that you thought you would never have to navigate, but here you are. It’s as if the map is right in front of you but you forgot how to decipher directions. It’s been turned upside down on you. Lost all form of its ink - with no way to communicate with you on how to get home. Compass spinning in every direction, continuously going in circles. You’re distraught and scared. Air caught in your lungs and tears streaming down your face. You don't know what went wrong. Accusations thrown left and right, and here you are fighting for, honestly you don't even know what at this point - your friendship? Your dignity? Your heart? In a few split seconds millions full of memories are thrown away as if it was last week's leftovers. Discarded like a piece of trash, or piece of art that they were sick of looking at. For a while you don't know where to go from here. You’re so caught off guard that you just sit there frozen in time as you attempt to process everything that was tossed at you - or honestly, lack thereof. But then the true realization of reality hits. You start to slowly pick up the scattered broken pieces and put them back together. Not for them. But for you. Maybe this is secretly a blessing in disguise. You have been so damn tired of having to bite your tongue recently and it has worn you down more than it should have. Why surround yourself with people that don't even hold those same morals and heart that you do. At one point you thought they did, but it has clearly been shown - especially more recently that it's the exact opposite. You were so damn blind to it before, always turning away without really knowing it. But now that it has become as clear as day for you, there is really no looking back is there? Of course at times you still miss them, the memories, and all that you used to share. You see them and the instant reaction is to smile because you were so used to having them as a constant in your life. Someone that you loved and cherished. And while you do still love them, the cherish-the holding them dear- has slowly started to fade away. I don't think the love will ever leave; at least not fully. I am the type of person that someone could do me wrong a thousand times over and I would still choose to forgive them and care for them even if they don't feel the same towards me. To cheer them on, and wish them nothing but the best from the sidelines. I both love, and hate that quality about myself. I know that a lot of the time, people don't deserve that - they don't deserve my care, my love, or my heart but for some reason I still choose to give it to them regardless of what they do or how they treat me. I’m also not saying that I'm 100% in the clear in this case, or really any case. Especially when I know that most likely I am the villain in theirs. We all have different stories, and cast different people as different characters. What one may see as a hero, another may see as a villain, and vice versa. No one is truly a saint and that for some is a hard pill to swallow and acknowledge. I know that there has been countless times where I’ve messed up and for sure could have handled situations better - I mean who hasn't ?? While it isn't fun to mess up and admit it, its one of the ugliest parts of life that is beautiful - because without these mishaps we wouldn't have any obstacles to overcome to make us stronger.

Recently I got a tattoo to represent not just some of my strength through all that life has presented me over the course of the last couple of years but also Taylor Swifts song mirror ball - and while to some it may just seem like an ordinary disco ball made out of permanent ink - to me it holds a lot deeper of a meaning. In this song Taylor talks about how she relates to, and sort of identifies herself as a disco ball (or mirrorball) and how one of the sole purposes of a disco ball is essentially to entertain others. It’s something that catches light and reflects thousands of beams, which in turn creates an ambiance and makes others extremely happy. Made up of hundreds, if not thousands of pieces of broken glass that in turn create a mosaic. The more shattered a mirrorball is, the more reflective it will be. And that no matter how much entertainment or happiness that the ball provides - it is still something that is delicate and could crash. However, even if it did - the party would still go on; the people would keep dancing - just like how in life when people exit - the others will move ahead and continue on with their lives regardless. She talks about how she is on a tightrope, constantly embarking on this extreme balancing act - which is something that we all do, whether aware of it or not. As humans we would do anything, to hold someone's attention that we have interest in. We are so desperate for relationships to work that we would rather exhaust ourselves to impossible positions and standards just to hold onto their affection, even if its just for a moment longer; than to face the truth. It’s something that can go from being whole to broken - and put back together. Delicate and fragile to toxic. Yet through it all, it still remains beautiful. Even the most broken can still spread light.

There is a mirrorball in all of us.

And I hope you all know that even in the times where you feel the most shattered, you are still a source of light - hopefully for yourself <3

Till next time.

- T