Countless times in my life I have been called a hopeless romantic.
Which…well.. let's dive into the meaning first shall we.
By definition, a hopeless romantic is someone who continues to believe in love, no matter the struggles they might have experienced in the past. Someone who chooses to see the positives in a relationship over the negatives, believing that true love conquers all. It's someone who has such a large heart, that they tend to give more than they receive and in turn, are more prone to a broken heart. People that hold out hope for fairy tales. That trust that chivalry isn't dead. Idealists. Those who build up these moments in their heads and design these perfect endings like a Lego set. Who dream of being loved but also loving someone else.
I don't necessarily think people are wrong when they call me this. In fact, they are rather quite on the dot. While some could say it as a joke, for the most part, there is no harshness behind the statement. Rather, it's just something that others take note of. I am a sucker for cliches and have a big heart. I care enormously for others (even when I shouldn't). Which isn't a bad thing, being a good person. Yeah, unfortunately, there have been numerous times that people have taken advantage of my kindness, but that doesn't deteriorate me from being who I am. At the end of the day, I'm going to continue to care and be caring, whether I should or not.
Looking back on my past, I have been hurt so many times and treated in ways that no one should ever treat another human being (as you know from past stories I have opened up and spoken about), so when someone else actually treats me like how I treat others it's shocking to me. Like what a romantic partner actually cares about me as much as I do them?? That's a whole new discovery to me. Ironically though, at the age of 26, I have yet to be in an actual relationship, at least a defined one. Situationships have unfortunately l become all too familiar to me. And time and time again I have found myself caught in them, like a fly in a spiderweb.
I recently found myself in a ship - I don't wanna call it a situationship as it was more than that, but it also didn't get the chance to become something defined; however, that doesn't lessen the value of it or the person to me - one that really altered how I view things. I’ve grown so accustomed to not really being seen as a person, and rather just being used as a figure for someone else's desires, that to have someone actually be interested in me for me was a completely brand-new experience. And one that, regardless of how it ended, I will always be thankful for. We had our moments and while they weren't as long-lasting as I would have hoped for, they were something. I was shown what it is like to actually be treated right and with respect. I was seen as an actual human being and appreciated for who I really was. I never had someone on that level who asked or cared about how I was or if I was comfortable before I met you.
And even though it did come to a halt before I would have hoped for it to, I accepted it.
That doesn't mean that it's not hard though. That the end didn't sting any less than another. That I don't miss it. Dont, miss you, because I do.
and I hate that I do so much.
in fact... I hate quite a few things
I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around, and the fact you didn't call.
but mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
(if you get that reference, brownie points to you)
(Had to throw this iconic rom-com scene in here)
but I also miss quite a few things.
I miss the way our hands fit within each other.
how you used to rub your thumb over mine
How we would both look at each other and just smile and say “What”.
I miss the date list in my notes drafts.
How we were always in each other's minds.
The hazel of your eyes, especially in the sun.
Our little inside jokes and quotes that only we really understood.
I miss your smile, especially when you talked about something that truly made you happy and all the things that you were passionate about.
I could go on but that might take some time
When it comes down to it and the end of the line...
You.
I simply just miss you.
And while it has been hard, I know that in time It will get better, easier. You were, and still are someone that I am so extremely thankful for. I will never forget the day that I met you. You quickly became a part of my story. You were my right place at the right time. Everything seemed to fall so perfectly into place, and I'm so glad that you showed up when you did. We were the chapter that I didn't know I needed.
People tell me to be mad at you, but in all honesty - I am anything but. I could never, and will never be upset with, or at you and I truly hope you know that. It takes a lot for me not to call or text you each day. To ask and hear about how your day has been. To know what you're thinking. To tell you about the shitty thing that happened at work that we would end up laughing about, or the good news that we would share. I will admit, there are times that I do smile through it all and hope that no one notices the mask that I put on when I do feel the sadness seeping through the cracks. I do still find myself wearing the jacket that was your favorite. Which, was also one of mine. I listen to music that instead of improving my mood, I relate to. I'm fine most of the time I swear, but there are those few instances throughout the day that collectively add up, that I allow myself to feel the pain that I pushed down. In fact, I was fine at the beginning of writing this, but as I draft out this sentence a couple of tears are slipping down my face as I am brought back to the memories. Somehow you are tied to everything, but that's okay. Because when I reflect on those times, none of them were ever bad. They were the complete opposite. Some of the best in fact. Pages folded at the corners of my book to look back on. This is honestly the first occasion that I could ever say that. You brought me happiness and joy throughout it all - you showed me a carousel of colors when all else seemed to be black and white. I know it probably wasn't the easiest, but Thank you for loving me as long as you could have.
At this point, I'm just aimlessly typing, expressing my feelings and hoping it is constructing somewhat coherent paragraphs lol. But even if it's not, that's life. Sometimes it makes sense, but more times than not it doesn't. We sit here experiencing chapter by chapter. Page by page. Volume by volume. And hoping that the next one will be better than the last. It's all a mystery, and while at the moment it can hurt and cause a range of emotions - in the long run, each one is a part of our story that we should be thankful for, as it got us to where we are today.
Now definitely by any means, still feel all the feelings that you need to, There is no time stamp or expiration date to that, just know that when it comes to it, down the line; everything will be ok, we will be ok. You will be ok <3
This volume and these moments in my life are ones that I will hold dear. And we'll see what the future holds for the next ones, but for now, imma just ride the waves and see where it all takes me.
Til next time.
T.
Comments