Hello Everyone :)
I hope that you’ve all had a good week so far. I know as the days go on it can be a bit harder to do so, as we are in self quarantining mode, therefore confined to the walls of our houses, which has its ups and downs. Despite all the good that can come out of quarantine though (such as me starting this site, and regaining my passion back for writing) it can, as previously mentioned have its downsides as well.
For those who are extroverts like myself, we can tend to go a bit stir crazy when we are inside for too long, such as throughout this whole ordeal. Now don't get me wrong, I love getting to spend some time at home. But I am the type of person who loves to go outside and go on adventures and create memories with people. So this quarantine is proving to be a bit challenging as I can't really do those things to the extent that I wish I could (FaceTime and zoom calls you’re the MVP right now). Because of factors such as this, and how scary the outside world is right now, it can cause our minds to wander into darker places. We can begin to overthink every minor little detail, and before we know it, we can be trapped in the web of stress, worry, and panic. Otherwise known as anxiety.
Ahhh beautiful beautiful anxiety (I really hope you all sensed my sarcasm with this one).
For those who don't know what anxiety is, or have not dealt with it before, anxiety is a mental health disorder where an individual experiences feelings such as worry or stress that can be so strong that they begin to interfere with how they live their normal daily lives.
I personally have dealt with anxiety, at least majorly, for the last 3-5 years. Throughout college, I would experience bits of it here and there, but I didn’t have my first major attack till after I graduated. If I were to pinpoint the exact time, I would have to say that it all began when I participated in the Disney college program. Before we delve into this, I loved that program-without it I wouldn’t be where I am with the company today, and wouldn’t have met the amazing people that I am now blessed to call my second family. But in order to get to that blessing, I had to experience some downfalls.
During the program, I didn’t know it at the time, but I was in an extremely toxic friendship and it was majorly weighing down on me. Every day I kept feeling as if I had to prove myself to this person (which you should never have to feel in any type of relationship). Lies and false accusations were thrown left and right at me, and instead of my supposed best friend believing me, they chose to believe others around them. Now I'm in no way trying to paint myself perfect here, as no one is. After all, as the saying goes we are all evil in someone else's story no matter how good of a person you are. But I knew the truth, those who were friends with both of us knew the truth, and still do. However, they fed into everyone else’s opinions on me. People that didn’t even know me. It was extremely hard, I would spend nights crying myself to sleep and waking up with headaches because of the stress. And then the next day we would hang out and it would be like nothing ever happened. Except if I would try to talk about it they would write me off, yet months down the line if they would bring it up and if I tried to do what they did and shut it down they would get angry and upset with me. Also yes you read that correctly….months. I, unfortunately, was in this ‘friendship’ for not just a few months, but over a year. At one point I even shared a roof with this person. I had multiple close friends along the way even try to show the toxicity of it all to me, yet I turned a blind eye and ignored all the red flags. Heck, they could have been waving that flag right in front of my face and it was as if it was invisible to me. It was going in one ear and out the next, right over my head. I'm stubborn, I know. I scotch this down to the fact that I always try to find the good in people, which to me is a great characteristic to have but I also believe that it is one of my flaws. Because of this trait, I can tend to give people way to many chances, especially when they don’t necessarily deserve them per se. I will defend those I love till the day I day, and sometimes I’ll admit I have defended the wrong people. And to those who tried to get me out of it, I’m sorry I ignored your helping hands through it all. If I took the head of it, a lot of trouble, restless nights, and my sanity at the time would have been saved. But, at the same time, as crappy as this whole thing was, it was also a major learning experience for me and looking back on it all now, almost a full year since I decided to part ways and cut ties with this person - I am a much happier, and stronger individual. So despite all the bad days over the course of having this person in my life, would I go back and change it all to the point that they never were? I feel as if a lot of people would jump at the chance to say yes to this question. But without a shadow of a doubt, I would say no. Do I wish that I never had to go through what I did? Of course, who wouldn’t? But again, it helped make me into who I am today and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Even all those nights I spent hysterically crying on the phone with my family.
Looking back at it all now though, I think the hardest thing for me, as mentioned, was the toll that it took on who I was. For those who know me, I have a very bubbly personality. I constantly walk around with a smile on my face. However, some days that smile was so forced that it physically hurt. I kind of felt like the Joker. A smile painted on my face, but inside I was drowning in so much pain and sadness. I would put on a happy face and tell myself, like Elsa at the beginning of Frozen - conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. I was in a constant battle that took over and it would drain every last ounce of energy out of me.
At times today to it still is that way. Anxiety is something that will never 100% go away.
Sometimes it likes to take a little vacation (must be nice. You think it goes to a beach somewhere and sips on a pina colada?), and others it feels as if a shadow is looming over you. I feel as if anxiety is something that if you don't have experience with, you write it off. More times than not, I see people talk about it as if its as easy as 1, 2,3 and that they don't get how someone could let something so minuscule, such as the disorder, affect their lives. Well, let me tell you one thing. It is not minuscule. Mental Health disorders should not be pushed to the back burner. When you come face to face with it, it's a whole new story. It feels as if everything around you is shutting down, especially yourself. It’s as if someone has trapped you in a stronghold and you have no way to escape. Darkness envelopes you in the form of negative thoughts, loss of breath, and tears falling down your face like a constant flowing stream. People left and right, near and far, will tell you that everything is going to be ok. And as appreciative as those who experience it are of those words and for their care, they don’t just make the feeling of utter helplessness disappear in the blink of an eye. It’s a daily struggle. It still is a daily struggle. Some days are good while others are complete garbage. Living with a mental illness isn’t easy, heck living with any type of illness isn’t. It’s a 24/7 battle. One that can not only take a toll on you mentally, and emotionally, but physically as well. I’ve seen firsthand just what anxiety can do to a person. Yes, I’m speaking from my personal experience with it. But there are many close to me who also deal with this battle and I see how it affects them too. This is something that billions of people deal with, but that not many are aware of because its not something that you can see with the naked eye. It goes to show that you never truly know what someone else is going through; that even the happiest of people could be struggling and fighting an invisible battle.
I want to challenge you all to something (I’m challenging myself too, don't worry. This is actually something that I’ve already been working on). As hard as this quarantine has been, my hope is that instead of looking at it as something negative, I want to turn it into something positive. As mentioned in my first article, do that project you’ve been wanting to accomplish for a while. But, also look out for yourselves and those around you. We are all self quarantining for this exact reason, but more so in the physical spectrum of it all. Therefore, I want you to do it in the mental spectrum. Your mental health is just as important as your physical. This isn’t something that is going to be easy, believe me, nothing worth having is. Talk is one thing, and action is another. It’s effortless to say we're gonna do something, but it's challenging to go and actually do it. I want us all to start grabbing back the reins. To show the devil and his negative thoughts that can swirl us into a pool of darkness that they are not the ones with the most power. We are. We are the ones that have God on our side, not them. I am the type of person that 99% of the time I put others' happiness above my own, it's just the nature of who I am. I like to make others happy, and because of this, I don't like to lay out all my “problems” on the table because I don't want to feel like a burden. But this year I promised myself one thing. This is the one resolution that I will not halt (even after this year I will continue to pursue it). I for once am focusing on myself. I need to take notice that my health and happiness is just as important as those around me. Obviously I’m still going to care for everyone and be there for them because again it's my nature, but I am also going to make sure that I am taking care of myself as well. If I want help or someone to talk to, I will ask for it instead of denying it. It’s time to be selfish a bit, and that's perfectly ok, don't ever feel like it's not. And don't ever apologize for seeking help. Ever. It is not something that you should ever feel sorry for. All the people who are close to you, and truly love and care for you just want you to be ok and happy. And if they aren't supportive of you and your choice, then I hate to be the one to say it but they aren't a true friend. Don't let unsupportive people take any more of you away than anxiety already has. And even though in times like this, I know you may feel alone, but let me tell you one thing. And if you are going to take away anything from this post, I really hope it's this. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. Not only do you have people who care for you, but you have God. God is, and always will be right by your side, holding your hands and offering his shoulder to lean on as well as his ears to listen. He knows that you are strong and will make it through this obstacle, and I guarantee that out of this testing time you will come out stronger than before. Regardless of whether or not you are religious like me and believe in God, you will make it out of this. Remember, It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to have bad days. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to do what is best for you. Recovery is not a one and done thing. It is a lifelong journey that takes place one step at a time. And I want you all to know that again, not only do you have those who care about you and God by your side cheering you on, but you have me as well. Even if you don't personally know me. I want to reiterate again that you will get through this. Think of it all as you being a flower. You start as just a little seed, but once you are planted in the ground and watered you bloom. Anxiety is like that. When you’re a seed, you are entrapped underground in darkness, just like how anxiety can make you feel. But with the love of others showering you like water, and the love of Jesus shining down on you like the sun you will begin to blossom. Before you know it, after some time and growth you are now standing tall and your happiness and beauty is eminent to everyone around. And if any of you need any tips or tricks on how to help curb anxiety or panic attacks, please feel free to reach out to me. I know its different for everyone, so what may work for me, may not work for others. But I am here to help, and at the end of the day just know - You are Loved and you are enough, so enough, it is unbelievable how enough you are.
I’m going to leave you all today with one of my favorite bible verses, one that I recite every day and have written on a sticky note on my computer, one that some of you may know already: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9
I love you all and you will make it through this 💖
PS. Don’t only check on yourself throughout this time, but also check in with those you love. It’s a simple gesture, but It can go a long way <3
Especially in a time like this, where we aren’t able to do the things or see the people in person that typically make us happy.
Comments