To All the Boys...

For those who have read the book or seen the Netflix film, you may have already guessed what this week's blog post will be about from the title. I have actually had this specific post in writing for months but was a bit hesitant to upload it. Not really knowing when was a good time to do so. And honestly there never really is a perfect time, but today is pretty damn close. After writing last week, I had the idea to make a little series that bounced off the topic of love, relationships, and growing. The next few things I want to talk about all fit together perfectly, so why the heck not? Lol

Now, a few of these stories I have briefly mentioned. However, only the surfaces were brushed and you guys got the SparkNotes version, whereas now you will be getting the whole book, page to page.

Let's Get into it, shall we… (ensue nervous laughter lol)

Where do I even begin when it comes to writing this.

I’ll admit, despite the title mentioning love, I don't think that I have ever truly one hundred percent without a doubt been IN love. Yes, I really liked these individuals, maybe I even did love one of them, but I was never in love with them. To me, love is a sacred word. It’s something that I do not take lightly, and do not use lightly either. I feel like people today throw it around as if it's nothing. Left and right just handing it out like Oprah's hands out cars. It’s a simple four-letter word, but to me, it holds so much power. It points out the greatest and strongest emotion that we can experience. So much so that love can never be truthfully put into words, because the power behind it is unimaginable. We can do our best to describe it, but when it comes down to it no one experiences love the same way-which frankly just adds to not only its power but also its beauty.

It’s more than a feeling, it's a promise. Attraction and love can easily be mixed up, due to their slight similarities, but they actually couldn't be any more vastly different from one another. Attraction is a natural emotion that we can feel; It is what draws us to other individuals, and allows us to bond with them. Its intensity can blaze like a wildfire one day and then fade the next. I’ve fallen victim to attraction numerous times (as you could see in my last post lol) but hey ya live and ya learn, and I definitely learned and now know better. And even though I was never in love with any of these guys, they definitely impacted my life and helped to shape me into the person that I am today and as sucky as it was at the time when each of these ended-i am thankful for each and every one of these guys.

My stories of “romance” are much different than a lot that you hear about today. Hollywood has taught us that first kisses are supposed to be magical and that they often happen at a young age. For me, that is quite the exact opposite. There is no story of my super cute classmate and I chasing each other around the playground during recess. In fact, I didn't (as you may already know from past posts) receive my first kiss until after I had graduated college. It’s a little funny I’ll admit-how everyone builds up the experience of first kisses. They make you think it's going to be some huge life-altering moment. Don't get me wrong I was just as giddy as any other girl when it did happen...but there was no “oh my gosh this is it” changing experience or feeling with it like the movies always showcased. No foot pop ensued lol. In fact, I think with this guy is when my first 'heartbreak' occurred (it didn't affect me as much as the other two that's why I use heartbreak lightly but it did still hurt), and this is where our story leads us.

I have been inspired by the series “To all the Boys”, in which I have decided to write out “love letters” to the boys who have impacted my life the most. The difference is that all of these are written in the present and are seen more as “thank yous” and reflections on the good times, with a little bit of insight on the bad and how I turned them around. That, and the fact that they have and will not be mailed out to their counterparts lol.

For privacy reasons of those involved in these letters, I will not be listing their names...and if they are reading these and know it's about them (hey, how's it going lol).

So here it goes.

To All the Boys….

Dear Laguna,

My first kiss. I was like a kid on Christmas morning when it happened I’ll be honest. It wasn’t as amazing as everyone cracks it up to be (no foot pop and fireworks), but I had waited over two decades lol let me bask in it and be excited. I remember having butterflies the day we met. You had offered to pick me up from work, and from there we went to a nearby ice cream shop (honestly still some of the best ice cream that I've ever had, not gonna lie). We spent hours talking, so much so to the point that we ended up closing the place down and had to get kicked out - lol whoops - what can I say, time flies by when you're having fun. We hugged goodbye and went our separate ways for the night. A few days later we were sipping coffee on the shoreline of laguna beach. Walking along the beach and telling each other our favorite memories and college stories. Although it was an extremely cloudy day you provided the sunshine and quickly brightened it up for me. I drove you back to your car as you were parked farther away (i know I know I'm such a gentlewoman, chivalry ain't dead lol), we made plans to see each other again and I was off to work with a smile on my face. The next time we saw each other you came over to my apartment and we had a night in. We watched some movies and ate pizza till our stomachs were hurting - due to laughter and eating too much lol. You let me choose each movie, despite my protests on you choosing some, but I’ll admit I was swooning because you were ok with watching all of my favorite corny romcoms. Once it started getting late and we were walking back to your car you took me in your arms and I just knew. You kissed me. And I was so damn happy that you did. The funny thing is, I don't think you ever knew you were my first kiss. That’s not something that I ever shared with you, before or after, so if you're reading this that's definitely some news for ya. It was when I went out of town a few days later that everything began to change. It was your 21st birthday, and I'm guessing something happened that night because I never heard from you again. We had talked that morning, even making plans to have a star wars movie marathon when I was back, and then it was as if you fell off the face of the planet lol. You probably met some girl out at one of the bars on your crawl and she could give you more than I could. Maybe that was why you came to my apartment that night, in hopes of something more. Something that I wasn't willing to give to you. I’ll never know, and frankly, I don't ever really want or feel the need to lol. It was nice while it lasted, and as short-lived, as it was, I still learned something from it. You taught me that even those who aren't in your life for long can still have an impact on you. Through you, I got my first experience of heartbreak. Nothing a little ice cream (lactose-free of course) and self-love couldn't fix. Of course, I was sad at the time, especially with how abruptly it ended but now I just look back on it and kind of laugh. I think with you, I tried to go all-in too quickly. I’ll admit I am the type of person that can fall quickly, and I learned that because of you. Now I guard myself and my feelings a bit better and that's all because of you. So thank you.

Ps. I hope you got that business degree and crushed it on the swim team

Now, this next one is a bit more interesting. It occurred both before, and after Laguna, if that makes sense lol. We were those kinds of people that just always kept in touch off and on, although now it is definitely off - and while I know you should never say never, I highly believe that it will never be on again lol.

Dear Bronco,

Our story is on a very different time frame than the rest. You were my first ever “relationship?” Not that we ever fully made it to that point per se. But you were my shot in the dark. I call you this because up until you, I had never really put myself out there. I also had been a huge disbeliever in dating apps; thinking that they were pointless and stupid. Why couldn't people just go out like the old days and meet the person they were supposed to marry without the help of the internet…..but then I met you. I still remember our first date. You had bought me coffee and we had met at Panera for lunch before each of our work shifts, and talked for hours, so badly wishing that it didn't have to end. I had never clicked with a stranger so quickly. I went into this date not really thinking much would come out of it, that it was just an opportunity for me to put myself back out there into the dating world….but you changed my whole mindset. You were the first person to ever send me good morning and good night texts (despite my mom lol). I had never experienced that before, and it's so mind-boggling how such a little and simple action can make a smile appear on someone else’s face. Shortly after, once our work schedules aligned again we went out on our second date. It was a rainy and cold night, and on the drive back to my place you gave me your broncos jacket (my dad would kill me if he ever saw me in it lol. We are not broncos fans in the zalfen household sorry not sorry) because you saw I was cold. Which, if I'm going to be completely honest I wasn't shivering... I was just anxious lol, but I wasn't going to turn down your offer. On our third date, I really thought this was going to be it. This day, I was the most nervous out of them all. I had taken you to Disney (cue cliche Disney date, but I live for them lol). We enjoyed a few drinks at Ballast (in which both being alcohol connoisseurs we laughed at some of the fails of beer pouring that were occurring). My rose gold Minnie ears adorned on your head and a giant smile on my face throughout the whole day. Everything felt so perfect that day. I really had thought you were going to kiss me. I battled with myself all day if I should just kiss you (I wish I did). After another week or so though I began to notice slight changes, little by little. And then the emergency brake was hit and there was nothing. I was left with no answers, wondering if I did something to steer you away. Being the overthinker that I am, I kept going over our last encounters - trying to pinpoint where it all went south. Your broncos jacket sitting on the end of my bed mocking me. After a try or two, and no answers back I decided to let it go. To accept the fact that sometimes things just fizzle out, like the wind to a flame lit match, and there's nothing we can do about it. Fast forward to a few months down the road. We had slowly begun talking again (i don't even remember how or why if I'm going to be completely honest lol). I somehow convinced you to come to stagecoach, for one day, without a ticket in hand. Crazy right?? I was joking about it, and then next thing I knew you were en route - cowboy boots and all. I never thought that I could have that effect on someone else, and while I still don't really know why you did come-although I do have an idea. But by the time you arrived, I was already gone. You still had your fun that night though, and I am glad that you were able to get a ticket and enjoy the desert and music for a while :) We continued to keep in touch over the next couple of months. Was this our second chance? Was it just a bad timing kind of thing the first time around? That's what it felt like, at least at the beginning. Until you came over one night after work and things changed again. Who would have thought that my first kiss with you would be in a hot makeout session? Lol, not me. It was after this night that the emergency brake was pulled again. Although there was something different about it this time around. It felt more...permanent. My feelings for you were still so new and fresh that I guess I never really considered the first end an end. It didn't really hurt me. Obviously it sucked, just as it would for anyone who was interested in someone else. But it wasn't until the second (and final) end that I knew it was real. Maybe to you, I was just a potential one night stand, someone to have fun with. I don't know.. And to be honest I don't think I ever will. At the time I would have cared. Heck, I did care lol. You were the first guy that I truly grew feelings for. And even after it all, I have nothing to say but thank you. You helped to show me that sometimes people just grow apart. They can work well for a period of time but aren't meant to be pieced together for forever. I don't have any bad feelings towards you, yeah it sucked when you ghosted without a reason or answers (not once but twice lol). However, it helped to show me that you can't always get answers to everything in life. Everything happens for a reason, and over time we begin to learn that it's ok to not know. And I am perfectly ok with not knowing. You’re living your life and I’m living mine. Both silently cheering each other on from the sidelines.

Ps. you're doing awesome. Congratulations on graduating college!! Also, I still have your jacket if you want it back, I know it was your favorite lol.

Despite that last one seeming like a whirlwind, it's about to get 10x worse….well at least for me it was. Out of the three, this is the one that has hit and affected me the hardest. So grab your popcorn, your drink, your blanket, honestly whatever will make you feel comfy and buckle up buttercups.

Dear Baymax,

Hey, long time no talk lol. I honestly couldn't even tell you how we began, could you? But if I do know one thing, as shitty as it ended, I'm sure as hell glad we met because when we were good, you brought so much joy into my life and for that, I could never be more thankful. There are two things people always warn you about: dating a close friend, and being intimate with someone you work with...we broke both of those rules. Whoops. Everyone who knew us always thought something was going on between us ironically. And as much as I denied it at first and wished some people would mind their own business lol, they weren't necessarily wrong. I don't know if you remember this, but one night I came to visit you after I was off and you had drawn a little baymax picture (you loved...well still love him so much lol) and ended up giving it to me, dated, signed, and all. Like the true artist that you are haha. I don’t know if you care or not but I still have it. It may be a stupid and simple piece of paper to most but to me its something that I will forever cherish as it allows me to remember the good times (plus how can you not love baymax lol). The times where we would always send each other stupid memes or cute dog photos. The times where we would cast each other a simple look and automatically know what the other was thinking and just break out into laughter. The times where we would play fight, and accidentally end up kicking each other. The times where we could have a conversation with just gifs and nothing else and it would still make complete sense to us. The times we would go out to dinner with friends and keep making the ever so sly but not really sly eye contact across the table or tossing paper wrappers and napkins at each other (yes we cleaned them up yall don't worry). The time we spent hours outside of in n out and witnessed a girl have a full-fledge photoshoot at the end of the drive-through at 2 am lol. The time you made me a playlist for my 8-hour road trip, filled with some of my favorite artists, as well as yours. The time when I was in Arizona and made a joke about me being bae and you took it seriously and I had to dig myself out of that hole real quick...lol it wasn't actually a joke I was serious haha. Anyways….. The time we joked about going to the humane society and taking all the puppies, especially the goldens (but really though). The times you knew how deathly scared I am of clowns and would send me photos of IT. The times where our conversations could instantly turn into something inappropriate… let's be honest we ain't saints here. As much as I lived for these small moments, and frankly still do as I believe the little moments are extremely beautiful and often overlooked; my favorite times with you were the nights we spent on the beach. It honestly started one night as a spur of the moment thing. We both had a rough day and I offered the idea of grabbing a beer when we were off of work, and before I know it - it kind of became our thing. Thank goodness for me having an emergency blanket in my car for nights like this haha. We would spend hours sitting under the stars talking about anything and everything. Telling each other stories of our pasts, hopes for our futures, sharing some of our favorite music with one another. You laughing at my horrible singing to some of the songs, yet I know you secretly enjoyed it lol. Us curled up in my blanket, me wearing one of your jackets on top of mine because it was fall and extremely cold lol. My head rested on your shoulder, or your head in my lap. Just us basking in the sounds of the ocean and each other's presence. One night on the beach though things changed. After months of growing close practically being attached at the hip, and all the sexual tension, things took a turn. Like all the other nights we spent this one under the stars talking, however, after a while, we took a walk and ended up just laying down on the sand next to one another. With each passing second, one of us would inch a little bit closer to the other. And before I knew it, we were wrapped up in each other's arms, your lips on mine. Things began to escalate, and we probably stayed like that for honestly who knows how long. I had never felt more alive or safe than I did with you and in your arms. Those few guys before had nothing on you. I really thought of you as my safe place...which only made the downfall ten times worse than it was. If only I had known at the time what was about to occur in a few short days maybe I would have gone about it all differently? But at the same time, everything happens for a reason, and now when I look back at the end of the day I wouldn't change a thing. We somehow managed to survive our respective shifts later that day and even met up after them. Everything seeming perfectly ok. It wasn’t until a few days later when you asked me when I was leaving for my vacation as you had wanted to hang out before. You were having a rough day and I tried to make it better by cracking a joke. One in which I said something along the lines of “you know what always cheers someone up? Tacos and cuddles...we could watch movies, knit a sweater, create world peace” and before I know it, instead of world peace, world war three was in suit. Apparently that comment really struck a nerve, even though I was trying to do it as a joke... I mean knitting a sweater? You would never….that rhymed lol. Ok back to the point. In the blink of an eye my safe place was caving in on me, and everything that I knew and trusted was shattering and disintegrating right before me. You tried letting me down easy, at least it seemed that way at first and for that, I actually am extremely thankful for. We had had these talks before, and you knew exactly what I was looking for down the line. You didn't believe that was you, and I respect that. I apologize if at the time this was all going down it didn't seem that way. I’m sorry if I came across as angry or upset, I mean I was, I was extremely hurt but for you not to lead me on and to tell me, that took guts and I applaud you for that. It was really the victim-blaming that got me though. That and the defensive walls of you seeming like you never really cared for me, when to me your actions said otherwise. You had told me that you were not looking for a relationship right then, which I told you neither was I. I was interested, heck ya, but I didn't want to go straight into a full-fledged relationship. If it were to get there, I wanted to take it slow. And then you threw the kiss right back in my face. You asked me “if you weren't looking for a relationship then why did you kiss me back at the beach?”....a little hypocritical don't ya think? As you weren't necessarily looking for one at that exact time either, and you were the one to kiss me first. It just felt as if everything was being pushed at me. That I was the one at fault through this whole thing. When in reality it takes two to tango. Not that I want to blame you either, because really that's the last thing that I want to do. But just know that I wasn't the only one there on the beach that night and that your actions somehow lead us here as well. It still boggles my mind how two people can be so close one day, and then the next they are complete strangers. Unfortunately, that's what happened to us. We went from being prominent figures in each other's everyday lives to you practically running out of mine. So much so without a second glance. I gave you some space, figuring we both needed it. It's funny because at the beginning of all of this we had promised each other that no matter what we would still remain friends, but just like my heart and my trust, you had broken that promise. I know some people aren't meant to be in your lives forever, but that still doesn't make the departure sting any less. We still had to see each other which made it all even harder. My heart would stop and the anxiety would set in every time I saw you. Scared that you would turn away just like all the other countless times. Until one day… you didn't. It had seemed that maybe just maybe we were back on track to everything being ok...or really as ok as it could be. But boy was I wrong. After numerous weird encounters, I had finally had enough. Remember when we met up and had that talk? You told me everything was fine, and that you had zero bad feelings towards me. Was that really the truth? Because I had this gut feeling that it wasn’t. And just when I thought we were ok, my gut was right and we weren’t. You would purposely work around trying to not see or talk to me. Even despite all this though I just wanted you happy, and you knew that. I told you. You may have hurt me as I had never been hurt before, but despite all the pain that you caused me I never once wished anything bad upon you. You may not look me at me as a friend anymore, but I have never stopped looking at you as one. I still care, even though you may not. I don't know if you have ever heard Lauv’s song Enemies or Story of Us by Taylor Swift (i know neither are your cup of tea lol) but I feel as if they both describe us extremely well lol. I don’t want to be your enemy. I know we may never go back to being how we used to be, frankly I don't even see how we could, but I really don't want to be seen as your enemy either. Whether you believe it or not, or even feel the same way, I am always here for you. I shared things with you I had never told anyone before, and vice versa, and I truly hope you know that although we may not speak or really be in each other lives anymore that I still care, and probably will never stop. It's just the type of person I am. You impacted my life like no other, and I want to thank you for that. Although it ended on a realllllllly crappy note lol, I still look at you as the same person you were before. A baymax: Funny, caring, and annoying (in the best way, you would say the same about me so don't even lol). So here's to our good times. The ones that I will always cherish, and what I choose to look back on when I think of you. It may have taken some time, but because of you, I have learned to accept and bask in the happy and positive moments, and not the negatives. I have always been a look on the bright side type of person, and positive spirit but you helped to shine that light on a part of my life that it wasn't before. So thank you. Thank you for providing me that safe place, even if it wasn't permanent, and for bringing a smile to my face on the days where it seemed like everything was falling apart. You somehow always knew just the right thing to say or do. We may not be in each other's stories anymore, but here's to our next chapter; I know they will be epically beautiful.

Ps. remember that time you took a photo of me passed TF out in my car after our last beach night? And used it as a meme against me lol. Too bad we never got those best friend shirts made like JT and Fallon lol, the world is missing out on that epicness.

Oooooof that was quite a whirlwind of emotions. One that I frankly have not visited in quite a while, but one that was actually quite freeing if I am going to be completely honest. After each of these did I feel as if they fell for what was on the outside and not the in? Yes. I couldn't give them what they necessarily wanted or needed, and that's ok. Because through them I learned what I do want and need. To All the Boys, thank you again. Thank you for each taking part in creating who I am today. Without you all, I would not be where or frankly who I am. Everything happens for a reason, and people come into our lives for specific purposes as well. You all taught me something, and for that, I am forever grateful. Although we may not be in each other's lives anymore, you are in a part of my heart (until I find the person who my whole heart will belong to lol). Serving as reminders to keep my head held high, to accept that sometimes things just end (and that's ok), and to live in and focus on the good moments.

So cheers to the future. I know each of yours will be extremely bright, and I truly hope that if you haven't already-down the line that you find someone who makes you completely and utterly happy. Someone that you love without a shadow of a doubt, and not just their outward appearance, but their roots too, the core of who they are. So what none of us were meant to be, not everyone can be a perfect match lol. The whole "I don't want a relationship" thing, clearly a testament to the fact that "with me" it just wasn't aligned in the stars, it was silent like the g in lasagna lol. But I do know that your perfect matches are out there and I hope that when you find them you treat them right and you don't let them go. Same with all of you reading this. Love is a beautiful and strong thing. Cherish it when it comes into your life, and guard it. Be careful with who you give your love to, and when you do give it - do so wholeheartedly. Don't live your life with regrets. It’s better to regret something you did than spend your life wishing you did it.

Till Next Week my friends.

The final part of this trilogy is in the works as we speak.

Stay Happy and Healthy Friends.

-T